lonely

how are you feeling?

soul question

what do I do,when I don't know what to do?
when I don't know which voice is mine, and which one is you?
when all that i treasured is over, and through?
I feel so broken and my mind is confused.
my will is tugging, but you're pulling too.
how much am I willing to hand over to you?
my tongue has no words, my mind has no thoughts
all that i know is you're all that I got...

Valentine's day

"You have the right to remain single,
Any saying of "I Do" can and will be held against you in the state of Holy Matrimony."

I love valentines day. I also love prayer days. That means that today is a hectabeautiful day. There is something so special about Valentines day. I can't put my finger on it quite, but I think its just the fact that people openly express how much others mean to them. I used to love when my dad would give my mom flowers and smooch her on Valentines, and I still do. I would say "yuck", but my heart would say, beautiful. I wish all youth would have the opportunity to see thier parents in love.

On Sunday, a little guy in my church gave me a bag of candy hearts, and as i poped one in my mouth i was plesantly suprised to discover that it was tangy and fruity rather then chalky and not fruity. that was a happy experience. my mom also gave me a huge box of chocolates and a card. moms are cool. I heart my mom. Men don't need romance when they have a mom (But romance is good to, of course). If anyone wants chocolate, come to my dorm room and say, "give me chocolate, dang it!" then I will do just that, except for the dang it part, I don't really know how.

I discovered today that this year's candy hearts have dirty comments on them, that do not express love in any way, shape or form. It kind of makes me sad. I am boycotting. no candy hearts for me this year.

We had prayer day at school. What a beautiful compliment to what Valentines day should be. It was nice to be with such a loving community, to be supported and encouraged, to share our struggles and our hopes. to love one another, and to offer our hearts up to the Lover of souls. I have been so dry lately, not feeling Him, not hearing him, and not knowing where to go, or even what to do. But today showed me his love through the beautiful people around me, and because of them, I saw his beautiful face. He wasn't just a stranger on the road to Emmaus, but he revealed himself to me, he broke bread with me, and showed me his love. Sometimes when things are unclear, when you don't know where life is going, when you don't feel God's love, and you struggle to love him yourself, sometimes the only thing we can find comfort in is that He always loves. So simple, yet so hard to accept.

I got a few fun valentines today. One was a lovely drawing of a lake scene with the sun shining and some boats sailing and it said, "you are like a summers day..." Frickin' Hot! then it said just kidding...so, even though i'm really not "frickin' hot", I still have funniest valentine i've ever seen, and atleast I'm not "somewhat humid", cause that could be strange. I also got another hand made one that was really cool, it had Isaiah 49: 15-16 which talks about Gods love for us, and how he has engraved us on the palms of his hands. the valentine had a pair of hands with my name written on them. What a friendly encouragement and reminder of His love. Yes, I am bragging about my valentines, and I am completely comfortable doing that.

Hey for all you love birds out there, here is a little valentine's tune for ya. Its called "If you're not the One" by Daniel Bedingfield. Its not letting me type the link so, you'll have to google it I guess. I tell you, that is one mushy, pretty song. Daniel Bedingfield is my guilty pleasure. I guess I'm a sappy romantic at heart. I have to redeem myself afterwards by listening to some Zao, burping in pubblic, and lifting heavy objects.

Hope you all had a splendid day. If cupid shot you with his arrow, yank it out and sell it on Ebay, you could make a bundle.

Mend our broken wings

The Church is Broken. Not only is it broken, it is shattered. I see so many hurting people. So much pain. I am discouraged. I had so much naivete going into my position at the church. I knew that there would be hurting people, but for some reason, I didn't want to accept the idea, the fact, that all people are hurting. I couldn't see the deep wells of pain that have found their homes in so many hearts of the people around me. It makes me feel so small and insignificant. I have nothing of my own to offer. I am not a doctor. Being a "nice guy" doesn't fix people. I can't heal others, I can't even heal my own brokenness and pain. I am learning the hugeness of love. love heals. The greatest thing I could ever do is to reflect Christ's perfect love. The love of Christ is so deep; a love that washes the feet of his betrayer, that tells the one who denied him to go and feed His sheep; what a beautiful love. It is a freeing, graceful and satisfying love. A love that empowers. It is the only bandage for the pain. Love is the foundation, the root, the essence, the all of Christianity. If I am not reflecting Christ's love then I am not truly loving, and with out love there is nothing. It is love that conquers all fear. It is love that gives life. We have the choice to accept it and to share it. My heart has been convicted. It has been empty for so long. I pray God will fill it with his love. Where is all this love? Are there no satellites to reflect the Son? It is time to embrace those that hurt, and show them the one who heals.

Change

change this pharisee heart to that of a child,

take away this heart of prostitution,

and I will be faithful.

break this shell and let your love spill out,

pouring on everyone I encounter,

I lift up this flag of surrender,

and see that it is in calling you Master that I am truly free.

What do I have if I don't have you Jesus? What in this life could mean any more? You are my rock, you're my salvation. You are the lifter of my head.--Starfield

my real name

I want to tuck my cloak in my belt and out run chariots,
I want to be a king dancing in the street,
to rip apart the jaws of a lion,
to tread in fire,
I want to wrestle the holy stranger; and to be given my real name.
let each scar tell a story,
and bring a smiling memory
of a battle won or a lesson learned.

love

Love, such a soft place to fall. Yet it can hurt so much. Its contradictions dance together making it all the more captivating; the things we don't understand are always what we desire most, what catch our eye, and hold our attention. Like a glowing stove to the wide eyes of a child, we long to touch the bright red. How can one thing cause so much pain and so much joy? Is there any wonder that love is so confusing when the Creator of the Universe and Love are one and the same? My lips struggle to hold in the words I would say, when they so desprately want out of this prison. If I were to let my heart run free, would it run into chains? My head feels like its trapped in a rubix cube with no answer. My body aches to fall in love with the Lord of Love so that I can truly love. Let me find you in the pain to experience the true joy.

Jedis are cool

I read a bit of 1st and 2nd Kings the other day. I really enjoy reading that stuff. It reminds me of Star Wars kind of. all sorts of exciting Wars and battles... I really like reading the stories about Elijah and Elisha, they are kind of like the bible's very own Jedis, only the stuff they did really happened and is way more cool then pulling an x-wing fighter out of the swamp in the Dagobah System with your mind. I think my favorite story is found in 2 Kings 6.

2 Kings 6
The Floating Ax Head

1One day the group of prophets came to Elisha and told him, "As you can see, this place where we meet with you is too small. 2Let's go down to the Jordan River, where there are plenty of logs. There we can build a new place for us to meet."
"All right," he told them, "go ahead."

3"Please come with us," someone suggested.

"I will," he said.

4When they arrived at the Jordan, they began cutting down trees. 5But as one of them was chopping, his ax head fell into the river. "Ah, my lord!" he cried. "It was a borrowed ax!"

6"Where did it fall?" the man of God asked. When he showed him the place, Elisha cut a stick and threw it into the water. Then the ax head rose to the surface and floated. 7"Grab it," Elisha said to him. And the man reached out and grabbed it.


I laughed when I first read this story. I can just see the guys face when the ax head fly's into the murky waters of the Jordan river.

"Oh Crap, Steve is going to kill me, that was his brand new ax head..."

Thats what would probably be going through my mind if it was me, well, unless the guys name wasn't Steve...

But then God does his miracle through his Servant Elisha, and you have a floating ax head.

I like this story because its kind of one of those "Dang, I lost my shoe. God, please help me find my shoe. Oh, there it is" kind of stories. It shows that God wants us to step up in trust, not only in the big things, the things that really need trust, but the little as well. It shows how God cares about even the littlest details of our lives. Plus, I think floating ax heads are darn funny.

Creating Excitement

I learned something new about myself today. I am an easily excited person. I came upon this discovery while smelling a jar of homemade cocoa powder that a family friend gave us, and going giddy at the amazing scent. It was pretty astonishing, mint flavored cocoa! Beautiful scent. My eyes bulged out and my sister laughed at me as I made her smell it. Downey wrinkle release spray is another one of those things that just amazes me. Pull a shirt or a pair of pants out of the hamper, give it the sniff test, spray it with the spray, smooth it out, and you have a wrinkle free piece of clothing completely suitable for wearing. And then there was the time that I learned you could fabreeze your hair instead of showering! Talk about excitement. So many of these amazing things I guess lots of people wouldn't deem worthy of my amazement, but there is one thing that lately, I've just found incredibly amazing, something truly worthy of amazement. That is the ability of people to create things of beauty. It blows me away. We, the created, long to mirror our creator. I believe their is a deep desire in each persons heart to make things of beauty; to reflect a beautiful God. I got a CD today, and it is beautiful art. The CD is Illinois, by Sufjan Stevens. The whole thing is brilliant, but a song that caught me off guard is the very last,titled, "Out of Egypt, into the Great Laugh of Mankind, and I shake the dirt from my sandals as I run." The song is an instrumental piece, yet it knocked the wind out of me. As I listened I tried to imagine the Israelites leaving Egypt. The song is filled with excitement and a happy fear (if that at all makes sense). You could hear the freedom in it, see the little kids running loops around their parents legs, as they made the trek into an unknown future. You could see the dust rising as the people marched on, boys running ahead of the group, gazing at the horizon. My heart began pounding harder and harder as I listened. I felt that fear in my chest, that feeling of an uncertain future, but at the same time I felt that feeling of excitement and hope. I felt all of this from a song, and a song without words no less! It kind of made me feel a bit ashamed. I haven't strived to create during this Christmas break, infact, really, I've done quite a bit of nothing, I have been so incredibly lazy. I have enjoyed my times of nothing when for so long I have been tied up in so much somethings, but really, doing nothing is so incredibly selfish. I really should have spent time with my youth group this Christmas break...I should have got stuff done, should have read more, created. Laziness is a cruel enemy, and yet, so enticing. I can only imagine what this world would be like if God was lazy. Mothers woud give birth to half babies, and God would finish creating them when he was good and ready. You would see Fields of daisy's with no buds, because God would be in the middle of a television show,...he'll get around to the flowers during the next commercial break. I am glad we don't serve a lazy God, but a God of beautiful art. I am also glad that there are those out their who seek to worship God with their art; beautiful creations pleasing to the King. So, go forth, create. Be excited with beauty.

family

here is a christmas family photo,...yeah, its from last year, but we were more attractive back then...

Scumtastic

We played some Scum with the Family. The scum had to wear the hats.

to much egg nog, perhaps?...

Not even an adorable baby girl could redeem this photo...I laughed so hard when I saw it. I wonder if when God created me, he said, "I could make Ty incredably attractive...or I could make him look like this..."

Thats my cousin's little girl, Ryanen, she pooped on my hand, but we still became friends.

The Chronic (What?) cles of Narnia

Aslan is on the Move!


http://www.youtube.com/watch.php?v=IggTu7kV7No&search=snl%20chronicles%20of%20narnia --funny stuff, funny stuff

Christmas

I think now is just about the right time to write my Christmas blog. I know that it is a couple days after Christmas, but that's ok. Reflection is good. It was a very lovely Christmas. It is so important to have time with family. I do regret, however, not spending enough time sitting in the stable next to the watering trough, gazing at my Savior and Creator in awe. Its funny how so much of that other stuff takes captive the brain, even when your brain is on vacation. I did manage a few minutes alone to reflect on and to ponder that first Christmas so long ago. With all birth, there beauty, and there is pain. So often we reflect on the beauty of the birth of our Savior. This year, I strive to see the pain, the great sacrifice made. I strive to see Mary's pain; betrothed to Joseph, she becomes pregnant. I can only imagine the pain she must have felt looking into Joseph's eyes when he noticed her belly growing, knowing very well that he had not been with her. It must have been a knife to the soul to see the hurt in his eyes. I imagine Joseph's pain believing that the woman he would do anything for, the woman he loved more than himself, had just betrayed him. I imagine both their pain as society shuns them, thinking that the "model couple" has just exposed themselves for what they really are. I imagine God's pain as the time his son would leave his thrown in heaven to go to earth and die for men approaches. I imagine Christ, anticipating the moment, looking down as if from backstage waiting His cue. He knows very well, that He will be hurt, that every person He loves will betray Him and His Father simply by being human. He knows how sin will surround Him. His whole life will sting like salt in a cut, yet I see excitement in His eyes. I imagine Jesus, shivering in the cold, wet and naked, as His mother wraps Him and lays Him in the hard, stone trough.

This Christmas, well, this semester, and perhaps my whole life if I had only been paying attention, God has been teaching me about boldness. Christ demonstrates great boldness, great risk, in coming as a baby to a sinful world for our sake.

I recognize my timidness. It repulses me. I long to be bold as Christ is bold, but I seem to be sitting still. It's far to easy to cling to a life of timidity, a life that won't get you in trouble, but at the same time won't give you adventure. I picked up Wild at Heart, by John Eldredge again. I needed a bit of encouragement. Listen to how John describes God's risk,

"God needs to get a message out to the human race, without which, they will perish...forever. What's the plan? First, he starts with the most unlikely group ever: a couple of prostitutes, a few fishermen with no better than a second-grade education, a tax collector. Then, he passes the ball to us. Unbelievable...

God's relationship with us and with our world is just that: a relationship. As with any relationship, there's a certain amount of unpredictability, and the ever-present likelihood that you'll get hurt. The ultimate risk anyone ever takes is to love..."

This was the risk a tiny baby took for our sake the first Christmas morning. And war raged!

1A great and wondrous sign appeared in heaven: a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet and a crown of twelve stars on her head. 2She was pregnant and cried out in pain as she was about to give birth. 3Then another sign appeared in heaven: an enormous red dragon with seven heads and ten horns and seven crowns on his heads. 4His tail swept a third of the stars out of the sky and flung them to the earth. The dragon stood in front of the woman who was about to give birth, so that he might devour her child the moment it was born. 5She gave birth to a son, a male child, who will rule all the nations with an iron scepter. And her child was snatched up to God and to his throne. 6The woman fled into the desert to a place prepared for her by God, where she might be taken care of for 1,260 days. --Revelation 12:1-6

The greatest gift of peace to mankind was the greatest act of war towards the enemy. In the middle of this war, lay a baby, the one who will rule with an Iron rod, our Bold Savior, Jesus Christ!

Satan would stop at nothing to destroy him. For once, I'd like to see a Christmas pageant with a seven headed dragon with ten horns. Why cast kids as cows, why cast 13 shepherds or 4 wisemen, and three camels, leaving out the villain of the story, the risk of the story?

13When they had gone, an angel of the Lord appeared to Joseph in a dream. "Get up," he said, "take the child and his mother and escape to Egypt. Stay there until I tell you, for Herod is going to search for the child to kill him."...16When Herod realized that he had been outwitted by the Magi, he was furious, and he gave orders to kill all the boys in Bethlehem and its vicinity who were two years old and under, in accordance with the time he had learned from the Magi.--Matthew 2:13,16

I'm not to sure how accurate this image is, but I always want to imagine Joseph clinging to Mary and Jesus as they gallop through the dessert towards Egypt under a night's sky. Invisible to them, and parting as they gallop onwards, is a war of angels, heavenly and fallen, battling, fighting for the life of the child.

Jesus, The Savior, entered this war, this earth, this pain, this betrayal, for us. He experienced Hell for us; all for a relationship that would let him down.

John Eldredge went on to quote C.S. Lewis,

"Love anything, and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give it to no one, not even an animal."

God gave us his heart that first Christmas morning. It was wrapped in swaddling clothes and lied in a manger. What a risk to take; what boldness. He knew we would kill his heart.

I want to be bold like that. I want to love without fear of a broken heart, willingly offering it into the slippery hands of fallible human beings. I want to take risks. Yet, I'm scared, so scared.

Teach me to be bold, O Lord. I want to boldly surrender, embracing the pain that scares me away. Let me hear you call me a Man. Let me hear you tell me I have what it takes to fight my part in this war.

...But his mother treasured all these things in her heart.

I will continue to Ponder you in my heart, pondering the Bold God I serve, the Bold God who chose to become a small, and helpless infant child for the sake of his love.

Winter

If, for one second, I could see the Father's love for me, how would that change the way I love myself?

If I truly believed with all my heart that all of God's creation is beautiful, that God made me beautiful, how would that affect the way I live?

If I always remembered that God has a plan for my life that extends far beyond the dreams of my heart, where would that take me?

If I could see that when the pain of my past strips away the confidence of my now, that God walks by me boldly, how would that change who I am?

In the most difficult seasons of life when I seem to love myself the least, and detest myself the most, What if I could see that God's love for me hasn't changed?

In the moments of brokenness and abandonment, what if I saw that I am whole and in his presence? Could I possibly be broken, yet whole in Christ at the same time? Is there beauty found in the broken?

If my cold selfishness thawed away, and a Christ like selflessness blossomed, would others recognize me?

Could you make me new?

Thank you for sitting with me through the winter. Though I can't always hear your voice, your presence melts the ice. I don't like the cold. The winter chaps; dries me out. It hurts. The wind rips at my bones.

Let me not forget the beauty found in winter. Each snowflake that touches my cheek, has its own beauty. Frost clings to the trees, clothing them in white. The stars seem to shine brighter, the more bitter the cold. Winter has its place for a reason.

Yet, In your time the ice will melt. Green will come again. The water will flow; the brook will sing. How I long to hear its song, but for now, I'll sit in winter.

Don't think, just paint.

I was looking through an art catalog today, and getting excited at all the art materials when two thoughts came to mind. One, do other guys ever get excited looking at graphite pencils, and two, why in the world did I decide to become a student at a small, unknown school in dag cold Manitoba. My dad gave me the wise advice of going to a school in Minneapolis where I could pursue both art and Youth ministry, and though now he is quite confident I made the right decision in coming to Prov, sometimes I can't help but wonder what it would be like to be at another school. I really miss art. I wonder when I'll get to dig my hands into clay again, molding mud into something beautiful. Sometimes I fear the art will leave my fingers, that my talents will fade like an old drawing. When creating, I feel like I can understand God just a little bit more.

How long will God keep me at this school? What road will I walk down next? I long to create, to discover. Yet, if I pursued every opportunity I wanted to, I would be in post secondary education for about 10-15 more years. Opportunities are endless, showcasing Gods Hugeness. The question remains, which opportunity will God give me next, and, will I willingly take it?

18As Jesus was walking beside the Sea of Galilee, he saw two brothers, Simon called Peter and his brother Andrew. They were casting a net into the lake, for they were fishermen. 19"Come, follow me," Jesus said, "and I will make you fishers of men." 20At once they left their nets and followed him.--Matthew 4:18-20

Sometimes, I wonder, do we think to much as Christians? I think, that perhaps, we try to scrutinize our callings, analyze them, know the "why" when God hasn't given us the "why". We pray to hear God's voice when he's already spoken. We want shouting when God simply wants to whisper. Do we have to be 100% sure of where we are going? Dare I say it, do we even have to be 100% sure of the calling? Its hard to be 100% sure when God simply doesn't always make sense. When does prayer for clarity switch to trust in the fog? Where does faith come in? In a way, its a lot like art. If an artist thinks to much as they do their work, if they don't take risk, if they erase and redo, the piece can loose its spontaneity, its spirit. God wants our lives to be beautiful art, and the best comes when we step out in faith, allowing the Master Artist to shine His creativity.

not a day goes by where I don't wonder if I've made the biggest mistake in my life taking the job of a part time youth director. But even if it is the biggest mistake of my life (next to forgetting to put oil in my engine), could God make it into a beautiful mistake?

So, right now, I sit. Prov is where I belong. My family is here. It blows me away that only after a year and a half with these people (or less), they have become my greatest blessing. And the church is where I'm at. Though I'm not so quick to say it's where I belong, its where God is teaching me and using me, so, I'll trust that it's where He wants me.

Yet many opportunities still lie out there, which ones will God call me down? Simon Peter and Andrew seem a little crazy. They immediately left their nets, got out of the boat, and followed Christ. Will I so willingly, and eagerly jump out of my boat, cast away the nets that entangle me, and follow my Savior? Or will I think to much?

A toast to mr. Anonymous with a tall glass of Egg nog

Ahh, to be home! it feels quite nice. I do come home almost every weekend, but now I get to spend time with my family. I've got a pretty stellar family. Its kinda rough when you see your family every weekend, but you don't really get to spend any time with them at all. I can't wait to take my sisters out on dates and catch up on thier lives.

It finally feels like Christmas. before heading home, Em and I stopped at my ex-youth pastor's home. His little girl is so beautiful. One of the chubbiest/cutest babies i've ever seen. Her teeth are beginning to pop out. Its strange when kids grow up even without me watching them, suprises me every time.

The General took on a new battle scar. apparently he didn't like driving over a snow bank a whole lot, but mud flaps aren't that important anyway. It was nice driving home knowing I could stay home. the trees were amazing. I felt like I was driving through a wintery Narnia. Snow is so beautiful.

Some fine young gentleman has been giving my sister, Lyss, one Christmas gift a day to celebrate the 12 days of Christmas. Its kind of exciting, I'm not going to lie. I was always a little scared of guys being interested in my sisters. I thought I'd actually have to start working out or somthing. I don't know what I was scared of though, amazing people attract other amazing people, and Lyss is definitly in the top five most amazing people I know list, so of course she'd attract a quality guy. I give this guy an 11 on a 10 point scale. the best part is he was number 1 on the very short list of guys I would allow to express interest in Lyss. God is good, what can I say. he's smooth to, holy crank! poetry, flowers, chocolates, and humor, and this is only the fifth day! You got to love a guy with such class and good taste in women. I sulute you Mr. Anonymous. Wow,I'm begining to feel like a teenage girl at a slumber party talking about boys, this is rediculous.

This christmas will be great. I've got a plethera of books to read. I'm sure I'll tell you about those later. Top of the list right now, is a bit of Ted Dekker, Blue like Jazz by Donald Miller, and Captivating by John Eldrege. And drawing, I can't wait! I got some new Christmas music, it'll be nice to sit down with a cup of tea, some "yule be sorry" Christmas music, and a pencil and just see what comes out.

Can't wait to see Hondo and Erdawg. And John Kelly. Lauren's belly will be showing quite a bit by now. maybe the baby will even kick. I'm going to talk to the baby so she can know "Uncle" tyler's voice ahead of time. yeah, the kid and I will be tight. Ah, christmas break is going to be hectabeautiful. I have got to go catch up on a couple Alias episodes. I could use some eggnog right now...