!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tonight as I hung up my wet puddle jumping clothes in the sub lounge, I got a very exciting phone call. Em called to let me know that John and Lauren had their baby! Corbin Mark Kelly. A boy. i don't know how to express my excitement through words typed on a key board. I feel like an uncle. I can't wait to watch this child grow up; to walk along side John and Lauren, offering support and encouragement. I can't wait to hang out with this kid and play ninja turtles with him or shoot hoops with him. I can't wait to see John as a father. Wow, one of my best friends is a father! thats so crazy. I can't get my papers done on time or even keep my room clean, yet a friend my age has the responsibilty of a baby boy as of 5:00 March 30th 2006. I don't know if i could even successfully take care of a hamster. It will be fun to watch this little person grow up, and to watch his parents grow too. I'm so excited because I know that John and Luaren will be committed to bringing this little boy up in their faith, shairing it with him so that one day he can choose to make their faith his own. I can't wait to see this little guy! hopefully soon...

Its ironic that i got this news this evening. Earlier today I was imagining how amazing it would be to be a dad. I can't think of anything that could be more rewarding, terriing, exciting, and trying. to think that God gives us the opportunity to bring up a child just boggles me. their is no refresh button on a child. Its amazing the power a father has in the life of his son. A father can ruin his son simply through the words he says, or doesn't say. that scares me, yet excites me at the same time. If i become anything in life, i hope i become a good father. I used to want to be great, I used to want to leave this world with my name known, but now,I don't really care. I don't think I want my greatness to be measured in how many hits my name gets on Google some day when i've died. Instead, I want to leave this life knowing that I've made a difference in the lives of my kids, knowing that I had taught them the love of Christ, and to share his love with others. And if i don't have kids someday, well...at least I'm a fake uncle. woot.

at least i don't snore...

The human mind is a very interesting thing. I spent almost all day in the library reading, yet I really don't know what I read. I read the words, yet my mind was in another place at another time. Interesting how you can read one thing but be thinking of a topic not remotely related. But even when I could gain focus, this was interrupted by very frequent and unplanned cat naps. I think I probably get just about as much sleep done in the library as homework accomplished. No, probably more. I need advice, good solid advice. I tried sitting up as straight as possible, but eventually my head would droop, and my eyes would get heavy. I put snow in my boxers which kept me awake for a solid five minutes, but then it thawed and I dozed again. I had to spend half the day hiding a wet spot on my crotch. I tried taking frequent walks to get the blood moving, but the moment I sat down I was tired again. I sucked on mints, I sat with friends, I sat by myself, I sat in soft chairs, and hard chairs. I went outside. I read out loud, and silently. I tried everything. I couldn't stay awake. I think I have a disease. Maybe I'm allergic to homework.

I don't know what to write. In fact, the only reason I am blogging at all right now is to detox from a day of brutal homework in which I feel very little was accomplished. On those days when it is very easy to feel blah, when you can't see your value, when you can't see an end, and if you do see the light at the end of the tunnel, you are quite certain a train is barreling towards you; I take comfort that God's opinion of me isn't as fickle as mine. He is the only one who will love me no matter what. My five late assignments don't change his love, my cruddy bible studies don't, my lack of hygiene skills can't keep him away, my poor communication, my failure, my pride, my fears, my stubbornness....nothing in him changes. Its nice to have a constant. He's my father, and he is more than willing to hold the sticky, grimey hand of his little boy. I'm just going to continue clinging to his finger.

discontent

10I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength. --Philippians 4:10-12

I don't really like this passage a whole lot. this semester has not been good. I am not content. there is so much more that i want, so much that i miss, so much i want to take, yet I feel God saying, "No, I'm sorry Tyler, but I did not give this to you." I am so mad at God. Why can't I have what I want? I feel like I'm playing tug of war with God, and the rope is digging into my hands. Its hard to love God when reality collides with desire. my desires seem more real to me then anything, yet I know if I follow them and not God, I'll miss out on his best, and maybe pull a few others with me. I just don't know how to not follow my desires. Its like swimming up stream, like biking up the center line of a busy high way. I just can't accept that God is right and I am wrong. It is so hard to love God first. I'm not my first priority, why can't i learn that? How can I obey him, how can I offer this up to him in love? How was it that Paul learned to be content in all circumstances? I hope i can learn this...

I need a bath

my mind is everywhere yet nowhere at the same time. Its packed full, yet I can't concentrate on a thing. the words I want to say are nowhere to be found. I'm not content with the things I should be content with, and far to content with the things i shouldn't even tolerate. I've become a walking contradiction, a joke of myself. I get mad at God for the blessings he gives me, yet i am happy to walk my own path, even as i stumble into trees and pot holes. while choosing the path between faith and sight, I give Robert Frost a swift kick in the groin and say, "I'll take the road most traveled, thank you very much!" I call myself a shepherd, but i don't know how to love. I'm suppose to be a leader, but the blind can't lead the blind. Jesus is supposed to be my first love, but sometimes I think the TV even beats him out. They will know me by my fruit. what if my branches have been plucked clean? One moment I know exactly where God wants me, and the next I don't got a clue, or is it that i just don't want a clue. how can i hate who i am, yet love myself with a blatent selfishness. does this rusty bucket have a hole? it seems to me that the water is leaking and i am left parched.

Let your tide come in and sweep me off my feet. surround me with your water, fill my lungs. Flowing, pulling, pushing,tugging,ripping. Juggle me in your currents, sting my eyes. Drown me so I can live again. i need your water. oh, how i want your water.

snowballs are only as good as thier targets

Its perfect snowball weather and yet the one person I would most like to send an unexpected orb or icy glory at is gone. Oh, the agony in absence!...sigh


I went on a trip to Whiteshell with my roomie Jon, and my buddy Dom for some winter camping and snowshoeing. I love Whiteshell, its just about as beautiful in winter as it is in the summertime. so gorgeous. We were on the shore of a lake, surrounded by beautiful rock faces and snow covered trees. the weather was just about perfect. I learned a few things on this trip. walking backwards in snowshoes is not easy. Dom laughs contentedly in his sleep. Kippered harring is the best. the ratio of stupid quotes from my mouth goes up the more tired i am. deer in the Whiteshell are very tame.

Dom and Jon are great company. It was so much fun to hang out with those guys, talking about love, life, and french kissing. these are those moments to treasure and smile on, because they won't last forever. hope everyone else had a great break as well. I am procrastinating on homework. perhaps I'll have some photos to post later, but now a paper is calling me. why don't papers ever have pretty voices?

great big questions to ponder