discontent

10I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength. --Philippians 4:10-12

I don't really like this passage a whole lot. this semester has not been good. I am not content. there is so much more that i want, so much that i miss, so much i want to take, yet I feel God saying, "No, I'm sorry Tyler, but I did not give this to you." I am so mad at God. Why can't I have what I want? I feel like I'm playing tug of war with God, and the rope is digging into my hands. Its hard to love God when reality collides with desire. my desires seem more real to me then anything, yet I know if I follow them and not God, I'll miss out on his best, and maybe pull a few others with me. I just don't know how to not follow my desires. Its like swimming up stream, like biking up the center line of a busy high way. I just can't accept that God is right and I am wrong. It is so hard to love God first. I'm not my first priority, why can't i learn that? How can I obey him, how can I offer this up to him in love? How was it that Paul learned to be content in all circumstances? I hope i can learn this...