Its been raining. The grey clouds seem to accentuate the vibrancy of the green grass and the flowers in the garden are screaming with bright colors. Sometimes, Its just nice to take a walk on a drizzling day; breathing in the freshness of the newly washed ground, and the sweetness of the air.
I have been in a somber, reflective state of mind this week. With the new green of Spring, I am once again reminded that change is just around the corner, filling me with both excitement and anxiety. Knowing that I will soon move even further away from friends, and away from my family leaves me feeling very much alone.
its scary to be alone.
The other day, I caught up with a good friend. We talked about old college friends; people we care deeply about, but for some reason or another have lost touch with. That can leave a person feeling guilty; to be so close for a season and then to know nothing of each other the next. He said something to me that lodged deep in my mind. "Friendships aren't marriages." God sometimes brings people into our lives for a season, and only a season. I find that a bit scary. Maybe because it forces me to trust God in all seasons.
We all desire community; a place where we feel like we belong. We all crave intimacy; someone who "gets" us. Someone who truly knows us--and still loves us. I think that, most of the time, I trust God in his provision of community. I am thankful for the communities God has provided me with in the different seasons of life; amazing friends who really care about and love me. I am thankful for the Church.
It has been harder to trust God with intimacy. Intimacy is a gift we share with only a few people, and with God himself.
"Friendships aren't marriages." The intimacy I share with a friend is nothing like the intimacy between a husband and wife. As a single person, that hurts a bit, because if I am honest, I crave that kind of intimacy. I long to experience the kind of intimacy that binds two people together as one flesh.
I think all people, both single and married, crave deep intimacy. We want to be known, or at the very least to feel known. Its tricky, because to really be known, we have to really be open, but that leaves us exposed. So we run and hide naked in the garden, the stench of forbidden fruit on our breath, from the very one who was our satisfaction. We long for intimacy but we run from the pain it can bring. So we look for the substitutes. For some that means hoping from relationship to relationship, never sticking around long enough to really be known. For others its a centerfold in a magazine who is never disappointed and always eager to give herself away. Or maybe its getting lost in the perfect romance of a book or movie that always ends with a happily ever after and the perfect kiss. We all have this sense ingrained in us that intimacy is very important; that it needs to be fulfilled. We all seek different salves to dull the pain of intimacy broken and lost. Deep down we know that something we were created for isn't being met.
I am not married, but I do know that no marriage has perfect intimacy. A friend spoke on Ecclesiastes the other day. Solomon was right when he declared, "Meaningless, meaningless, all is meaningless." There really is nothing new under the sun--God has given us great pleasures to enjoy here on earth, and he gives us other people to connect with; but even in these good things, there is a point at which the things of this life can no longer satisfy, and the eternal must. As my friend put it, the desires of this world eventually hit the ceiling, leaving us longing for heaven.
Maybe, if I am really honest with myself, my longing for intimacy isn't so much a reflection of my marital status, but more so my spiritual status. There is something incredibly beautiful about two people deeply in love becoming one flesh through the holy covenant of marriage; I hope I find that some day, but I know that it pales in comparison to the intimacy found in a relationship with the Holy Trinity. Two people can become one flesh, but when we become Christians, the living God indwells us! The Holy Spirit lives in us, the one who created us and knows us--the way we want to be known--lives in us and love us--the way we want to be loved. Then he invites us to know and love him too.
It is scary to be alone, and unknown. But I'm not. I just need to remember that.
"As the deer longs for streams of water, so my soul longs for you, O God."--Psalm 42:1
"My soul yearns, even faints, for the courts of the LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God."--Psalm 84:2
"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give a reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect." 1 Peter 3:15
Showing posts with label Intimacy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Intimacy. Show all posts
Saturday, May 01, 2010
Saturday, September 20, 2008
A single thought
I was in two of my best friends weddings this summer, and went to a couple more.
With a nauseous stomach and two smiling faces, some friends informed me they are expecting their second child.
Every time I open facebook, it seems that someones status has changed to "engaged".
In light of all this, I have spent a considerable amount of time lately eating wedding cake, as well as contemplating the life of the single adult.
As I stood on stages in uncomfortable shoes and rented tuxes watching my friends gazing intently into the eyes of the women they will spend the rest of their lives with, I couldn't help but feel as if there was something wrong with me. Am I not good enough? Am I faulty, immature? Am I worth some one's time? Next, I felt a sense of urgency. Boy I got to get on the ball. I am falling behind. I better find my "other half." But now I ask myself this question: Why? Why is it so important to get hitched?
Single has become such a loaded word. "Single" often translates to "romantic opportunity"(i.e. "She's cute and single, go for it!). Instantly a persons identity is found in his or her availability rather then in their character and purpose. I often feel as if my maturity is being sized up by my relationship status as well. Whether intended or not, I can't help but feel as though when people back home ask, "So, are you seeing anyone right now?" it is no different then if they were to ask, "So, have you grown up yet?"
In a culture that has demonized the single life, I began to realize that I have bought into many of the lies...along with the rest of the church. Singleness is often viewed as a trap to escape rather then a gift to appreciate while it lasts, or a calling to embrace for life. I laughed (a sad laugh) to myself when I recently visited a well know christian singles website only to discover that it is sponsored by eHarmony as if to say, "There is still hope!"
It is fairly easy to recognize the gift of married life. One pastor explained that marriage is God's way of helping us understand what it means for God to live in perfect community with Himself (Father, Son and Holy Spirit), as well as to teach us about the love between Christ and his bride, the church. Likewise, one of my pastor friends preached one Sunday from Genesis, pointing out that the only thing that wasn't good before the fall of man, was that man was alone. I find this fascinating. Adam walked in the garden with God, yet he was created with a need for relationship with other people. In essence, marriage is all about community.
So while marriage is all about community, singleness is all about...community. I will say flat out that I hate the term "single". It implies being alone, but no man is an island to himself. Whether married or not, we were created for community. God calls us to himself and into his church. In a sinless world, where man met face to face with God, he still had a need. That need was community with people. Our community is the Church.
Yet it isn't a struggle for most singles to recognize that they need people, the problem is when that truth is skewed: the lie, "When I meet the right person, then I will be fulfilled," or "If only I weren't single, then I would be happy." It's this problem of putting all our hope in one person. I have dated a couple of very wise, very kind, and very godly women, but no person could ever fulfill the deep longings of my heart. I long to wander through the garden with my creator, feeling the grass between my toes, the sun on my face. To breathe in the lilac sweetened air and learn from the One who knows me better then I do. I am not single, I am the bride of Christ, walking through the garden with Him, and the rest of the church walks with us.
Just as being married opens a person's eyes to see and understand God in ways others can't, being single opens opportunities to see and understand God and this world in ways that a married person can't. One of my favorite books is "Who's Child is This?" by Bill Wilson, the story of the the beginnings of Metro Ministries in Brooklyn, New York. Bill started a Sunday school ministry to 22,000 children who would have never heard Jesus name outside a swear word; children who hear gunshots and screaming more often then laughter and singing. Children who know what it means to be hungry, and how it feels to be hit. Bill has loved kids in a neighborhood where he has been stabbed and had his face bashed with a brick. He lives right amongst the people he has chosen to love and serve, rather then in the safety and comfort of the suburbs. He is surrounded by violence as he lives ministry. A tough question can be asked: how would Bill's life and ministry look if Bill was married and had children? I am not saying that at no time would it be appropriate for a family to live in this type of neighborhood and minister there, these are the type of questions couples must decide together, but a single person has more freedom to go where the need is without concern for the safety of family.
Paul puts it this way to the Corinthians,
"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband."--1st Corinthians 7:32-34
To be married is a blessed and rewarded life, a special gift from God. It is time for the church to embrace and recognize singleness as a blessed gift as well. Singleness is not a disease that needs to be cured. Rather, God is using brave single men and women to "cure" broken people with his love.
With a nauseous stomach and two smiling faces, some friends informed me they are expecting their second child.
Every time I open facebook, it seems that someones status has changed to "engaged".
In light of all this, I have spent a considerable amount of time lately eating wedding cake, as well as contemplating the life of the single adult.
As I stood on stages in uncomfortable shoes and rented tuxes watching my friends gazing intently into the eyes of the women they will spend the rest of their lives with, I couldn't help but feel as if there was something wrong with me. Am I not good enough? Am I faulty, immature? Am I worth some one's time? Next, I felt a sense of urgency. Boy I got to get on the ball. I am falling behind. I better find my "other half." But now I ask myself this question: Why? Why is it so important to get hitched?
Single has become such a loaded word. "Single" often translates to "romantic opportunity"(i.e. "She's cute and single, go for it!). Instantly a persons identity is found in his or her availability rather then in their character and purpose. I often feel as if my maturity is being sized up by my relationship status as well. Whether intended or not, I can't help but feel as though when people back home ask, "So, are you seeing anyone right now?" it is no different then if they were to ask, "So, have you grown up yet?"
In a culture that has demonized the single life, I began to realize that I have bought into many of the lies...along with the rest of the church. Singleness is often viewed as a trap to escape rather then a gift to appreciate while it lasts, or a calling to embrace for life. I laughed (a sad laugh) to myself when I recently visited a well know christian singles website only to discover that it is sponsored by eHarmony as if to say, "There is still hope!"
It is fairly easy to recognize the gift of married life. One pastor explained that marriage is God's way of helping us understand what it means for God to live in perfect community with Himself (Father, Son and Holy Spirit), as well as to teach us about the love between Christ and his bride, the church. Likewise, one of my pastor friends preached one Sunday from Genesis, pointing out that the only thing that wasn't good before the fall of man, was that man was alone. I find this fascinating. Adam walked in the garden with God, yet he was created with a need for relationship with other people. In essence, marriage is all about community.
So while marriage is all about community, singleness is all about...community. I will say flat out that I hate the term "single". It implies being alone, but no man is an island to himself. Whether married or not, we were created for community. God calls us to himself and into his church. In a sinless world, where man met face to face with God, he still had a need. That need was community with people. Our community is the Church.
Yet it isn't a struggle for most singles to recognize that they need people, the problem is when that truth is skewed: the lie, "When I meet the right person, then I will be fulfilled," or "If only I weren't single, then I would be happy." It's this problem of putting all our hope in one person. I have dated a couple of very wise, very kind, and very godly women, but no person could ever fulfill the deep longings of my heart. I long to wander through the garden with my creator, feeling the grass between my toes, the sun on my face. To breathe in the lilac sweetened air and learn from the One who knows me better then I do. I am not single, I am the bride of Christ, walking through the garden with Him, and the rest of the church walks with us.
Just as being married opens a person's eyes to see and understand God in ways others can't, being single opens opportunities to see and understand God and this world in ways that a married person can't. One of my favorite books is "Who's Child is This?" by Bill Wilson, the story of the the beginnings of Metro Ministries in Brooklyn, New York. Bill started a Sunday school ministry to 22,000 children who would have never heard Jesus name outside a swear word; children who hear gunshots and screaming more often then laughter and singing. Children who know what it means to be hungry, and how it feels to be hit. Bill has loved kids in a neighborhood where he has been stabbed and had his face bashed with a brick. He lives right amongst the people he has chosen to love and serve, rather then in the safety and comfort of the suburbs. He is surrounded by violence as he lives ministry. A tough question can be asked: how would Bill's life and ministry look if Bill was married and had children? I am not saying that at no time would it be appropriate for a family to live in this type of neighborhood and minister there, these are the type of questions couples must decide together, but a single person has more freedom to go where the need is without concern for the safety of family.
Paul puts it this way to the Corinthians,
"I would like you to be free from concern. An unmarried man is concerned about the Lord's affairs—how he can please the Lord. But a married man is concerned about the affairs of this world—how he can please his wife—and his interests are divided. An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world—how she can please her husband."--1st Corinthians 7:32-34
To be married is a blessed and rewarded life, a special gift from God. It is time for the church to embrace and recognize singleness as a blessed gift as well. Singleness is not a disease that needs to be cured. Rather, God is using brave single men and women to "cure" broken people with his love.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Sex
I've been thinking a lot about sex lately. I know, that doesn't sound so great. I probably should do some rephrasing, but I won't because I said what I mean. I have had sex on my mind. It really shouldn't come as a shock to anyone. We've all heard that statistic (that no one could ever really prove) that says guys think about sex every ten seconds. I don't know if it's true or not. I don't even know if guys think about sex more then girls do. God created man and woman with sex in mind, and God put it best when he looked at his creation and said, "It is good." Sex is good. We are wired for sex, to desire sex, to create through sex, and to experience intimacy and love with our spouse and God through the act of sex. So why has sex become such a dirty hush hush word within the church? Why is it that every time I type the word sex i feel as if I am doing something a bit risque? Let me tell you why I think I have had sex on my brain. I just ordered a book by Rob Bell called Sex God. I haven't got it yet, so I can't tell you much about it, all I can say is that it is supposed to explore the links between sexuality, spirituality, and God. I thought it sounded incredibly interesting, and it really got me thinking, "How do these things connect?" The more I thought about it, it seemed to me that the bind between sexuality, spirituality and God is huge! God created man to have relationship with him. He created human beings, both male and female so that they could cleave to one another, becoming one flesh. This represents the oneness God has with himself (God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit), Distinctly three parts but somehow one. And then I thought of Christ calling the church his bride, and how He desires to become one with us. Did God simply create us as beings that cleave to one another in the union of marriage and sex so that he could give us the greatest possible example a human mind can grasp of what we as the church are to be to God? And then there is heaven. Could sex be a glimpse of heaven? Putting aside the sheer physical pleasures of sex as a "heavenly" experience, Heaven can be defined as perfect union with Christ. Since Christ chooses to call us his bride, it makes sense to think of sexual intimacy with ones spouse as an act this side of heaven that resembles our heavenly union with Christ. If all this is true, sex is a holy act, creating a holy union. It not only is a beautiful gift from God to married couples, but it is their gift to God as they reflect the relationship Christ desires to have with his church; intimate and close. It is astounding how we can reduce something so spectacular, beautiful, and holy into a course four letter word and a cheap physical thrill. No wonder hearts are broken, diseases are rampant, and minds are confused. God said the two would become one flesh, yet countless people are willing to share that "flesh" with anyone for the minutes of fun it provides, not taking into account the years of pain that result. No wonder we have a tough time talking about sex in the church. Sex has been belittled from something holy, to something trivial. Isn't it amazing? We've taken something beautiful that reflects God and the relationship he desires to have with us, something that is amazing, incredible and, well...fun, and then narrowed it down to simple bodily mechanics, a physical act, the frosting without the cake, and made it into an idol. The very gift designed to bring us closer to God is placed before him. So I guess I say all of this to confess, that I screw up. I lust. I more often then I wish to admit love sex for all the wrong reasons. I allow my mind, and my eyes to go places they shouldn't, but when I do, I take away the beauty of sex, and steal from myself the opportunity to one day express my love to God in this way and to the one he has saved for me. Perhaps you are sitting right beside me in this sinking boat. We all have made mistakes but just like the prophet Hosea, who took back his adulterous wife, God willingly and lovingly takes us back offering forgiveness and another chance. Christ said to the Adulterous woman in the New Testament, "Go, and sin no more." He knows that there is something so much better for us out there and he wants us to have it. Sex is good. Maybe we should think about it.
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