Restless

Restless--scared,
I know that you care,
but right now I just don't see how this could end well,
and its just the beginning.
I usually play it by ear,
Knowing there's nothing to fear.

But carelessness drives a fast car and I'm walking.

I'm worried and alone, and I'm feeling prone
to fall on my face.
Failure, disgrace.
I'm scared to leave this comfortable space.
Pushed out of the womb and into the tomb

But if I don't die, how can I live?

where will I go? I'm scared to be alone!
Do I trust you'll be there? --(...Somthing about lilies and birds of the air...)
I want someone with skin on
...sometimes they just seem more real.

But I know that no one is more real than You.

You ran to me, I'll fall to You.
There isn't anything else I can do.
Tomorrow's a worrier,
and he's full of himself,
So I'll set him back down
up on the shelf.

We'll read that story tomorrow.

When nothing is certain, you are.

When I feel broken and unloved, I am broken and deeply loved.

When I wonder if I am worth anyone's time, you long for time with me.

When every fiber of my being screams failure, you scream son.

When I long to be held, you remind me I am.

When nothing is beautiful, you are.

In search of my socket

Like bent up rungs in search of a socket.

A worn out photograph found in a pocket,

that just doesn't bring a smile anymore.

A fly with his wings plucked crawling around.

I want to fly, but I'm stuck on the ground.

Just like the lone ranger,
been made a stranger,
feeling the danger,
and anger!

I'm spinning in circles, but don't know where to go. Mind moving fast and at the same time slow....I don't know. no.

When will this depression reach a recession?

Lost and loss

Lonely and phony.

God, do I have your permission to feel this way?

I have all the friends in the world, but no where to turn. oh I Yearn!

I yearn for Community, true immunity.

I want to be whole, and fill this hole.

God, Its so hard to come to you when I need you the most, so could you come and get me?

I want to talk, but don't know what to say...don't even know how I got this way.

I know people are waiting for this thing to be "happy" and "sappy"...but dang anyway, I'm feeling CRAPPY.

Please pick me up!
I'm watching this reel that feels so real, so cut the film of this horror flick!

feeling sick.

change the perception of this man in deception.

Sometimes grief just can't be brief, but when it feels like hell...You are there still.

When he hung there, you turned away. Let me not forget that you know deep pain.

We'll hurt together, and you'll hurt with us too. Right now, that just about all we can do.
Father bring me deep into you and to them. Can't be alone, when I'm drowning again.

I can't be alone.

please plug me in.

Ode to Milk

oh dear milk, how beautiful you are to me,

you tame a mouthful of sweet, delicious torture.

companion of the cookie, mate to the brownie.

How could somthing sucked from a cow be so udderly devine?

you may be 2% but you are 100% in my heart.

gaterade may come and go,

cola will soon pass,

but our love endures, my sweet dear milk.

a hole in your pocket

Its funny how I never knew I gave you my heart until i found that it was missing. And the ironic thing is, you didn't know you had it either. so one day, as you skipped down the street towards the chapel, it fell from your pocket and shatered there on the ground. I picked it up, and dusted it off. My, how fragile a heart is. Though I try and try, the pieces jus't dont seem to fit together just right. And so it sits guarded, afterall, it's weaker now, it broke once, so it most definitely could break again. I could be mad, I could despise you, and I regretfully admit that there is a part of me that wants to, but I don't. Just a misplaced heart that fell from your pocket, its hardly your fault. I always have been a bit absent minded, always have been one to misplace things.

23 Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.--Proverbs 4:23

play-dough heart

words can't match feelings
reality can't match dreams.
Its not what i had hoped for, I'm not what I had hoped to be.
frustrated when the image in my head doesn't match the strokes on the canvas.
And in it all, in this all, have I become jaded and dry?
When things aren't as they should be, when you fail me, when you miss my plan,
do i just give up?
When you touch my play-dough heart, does it crumble?

or is there hope?

Take my heart. press your thumbs in.
mold it, shape it, form it.

stamp it with trust.

More strokes will join those on the canvas, and the invisible ink will show itself, and a captivating picture will one day fill my eyes.

but it will be your picture, not mine.

I need a bath

my mind is everywhere yet nowhere at the same time. Its packed full, yet I can't concentrate on a thing. the words I want to say are nowhere to be found. I'm not content with the things I should be content with, and far to content with the things i shouldn't even tolerate. I've become a walking contradiction, a joke of myself. I get mad at God for the blessings he gives me, yet i am happy to walk my own path, even as i stumble into trees and pot holes. while choosing the path between faith and sight, I give Robert Frost a swift kick in the groin and say, "I'll take the road most traveled, thank you very much!" I call myself a shepherd, but i don't know how to love. I'm suppose to be a leader, but the blind can't lead the blind. Jesus is supposed to be my first love, but sometimes I think the TV even beats him out. They will know me by my fruit. what if my branches have been plucked clean? One moment I know exactly where God wants me, and the next I don't got a clue, or is it that i just don't want a clue. how can i hate who i am, yet love myself with a blatent selfishness. does this rusty bucket have a hole? it seems to me that the water is leaking and i am left parched.

Let your tide come in and sweep me off my feet. surround me with your water, fill my lungs. Flowing, pulling, pushing,tugging,ripping. Juggle me in your currents, sting my eyes. Drown me so I can live again. i need your water. oh, how i want your water.

soul question

what do I do,when I don't know what to do?
when I don't know which voice is mine, and which one is you?
when all that i treasured is over, and through?
I feel so broken and my mind is confused.
my will is tugging, but you're pulling too.
how much am I willing to hand over to you?
my tongue has no words, my mind has no thoughts
all that i know is you're all that I got...

Change

change this pharisee heart to that of a child,

take away this heart of prostitution,

and I will be faithful.

break this shell and let your love spill out,

pouring on everyone I encounter,

I lift up this flag of surrender,

and see that it is in calling you Master that I am truly free.

What do I have if I don't have you Jesus? What in this life could mean any more? You are my rock, you're my salvation. You are the lifter of my head.--Starfield

my real name

I want to tuck my cloak in my belt and out run chariots,
I want to be a king dancing in the street,
to rip apart the jaws of a lion,
to tread in fire,
I want to wrestle the holy stranger; and to be given my real name.
let each scar tell a story,
and bring a smiling memory
of a battle won or a lesson learned.

Winter

If, for one second, I could see the Father's love for me, how would that change the way I love myself?

If I truly believed with all my heart that all of God's creation is beautiful, that God made me beautiful, how would that affect the way I live?

If I always remembered that God has a plan for my life that extends far beyond the dreams of my heart, where would that take me?

If I could see that when the pain of my past strips away the confidence of my now, that God walks by me boldly, how would that change who I am?

In the most difficult seasons of life when I seem to love myself the least, and detest myself the most, What if I could see that God's love for me hasn't changed?

In the moments of brokenness and abandonment, what if I saw that I am whole and in his presence? Could I possibly be broken, yet whole in Christ at the same time? Is there beauty found in the broken?

If my cold selfishness thawed away, and a Christ like selflessness blossomed, would others recognize me?

Could you make me new?

Thank you for sitting with me through the winter. Though I can't always hear your voice, your presence melts the ice. I don't like the cold. The winter chaps; dries me out. It hurts. The wind rips at my bones.

Let me not forget the beauty found in winter. Each snowflake that touches my cheek, has its own beauty. Frost clings to the trees, clothing them in white. The stars seem to shine brighter, the more bitter the cold. Winter has its place for a reason.

Yet, In your time the ice will melt. Green will come again. The water will flow; the brook will sing. How I long to hear its song, but for now, I'll sit in winter.

collapsed

I used to be an optimist. but every now and then things look so dark. I was the kind of guy that thought DC talk would get back together again. Sometimes life hurts. You are torn at the seems. mind exploding. past pains attacking. frustrations annoying. Searching in all the wrong places for comfort that cannot satisfy. Guilt punches you in the eye, while shame takes a kidney shot. You feel like everything is collapsing down on you all at once, leaving you lying in a pile of rubble, breathing in the dusty air, enveloped in the pounding heat of a pain thats more real than life. blackness hits.

Daddy, hold my hand. I need to know that you love me. I need to see you smile at me. Are you proud of me?

I don't care if the cup is half full or half empty, If it be your will, I'll drink it. give me the strength to drink it. I just need your help to tip it down. How I long to be Bold! But I feel so timid, so timid.

I feel you. Thank you for your warm hug. heating up the darkness.

Sometimes life seems so dark, but you'll flip the switch soon enough. I still think DC talk will get back together one day.

Canvas

What do you want for me?
with this brush in my hand, I paint out the picture of my day.
Don't want to use others to erase my past hurts,
brushing away their shavings from my canvas.
such a predictable piece.
its selfish, drawing in the lines, scared to leave them.
Scared to paint what's really true.
where's the excitement?
the wonder?
Its been done before.

You want something new for me.
your brush is your breath.
you paint the picture I never could have seen.
colors I've never seen, joy I've never felt.
each stroke changes me
you paint heaven in my heart
dampening the brush with your tears, you hurt for me.

My life is your canvas.
I so desperately want to smudge it.

This is not mine, it is yours.

Create in me a clean heart O Lord my God!

Modern day Pharisee

Hey hurting world on the verge of death.

I'd look at you, but my own life is just a mess.

I cry for the scrape on my finger,

while you lie with your broken limbs.

I ask God to save me from my pain,

While I sit here in my sins.

There is no time to help you,

I got to save myself.

I contently dream of heaven,

and forget that you'll go to hell.

It'd be crazy to leave my comfort,

politically incorrect.

So I won't tell you about my savior,

I'll let you go to heck.

After all, I'm a christian,

this is about me and Christ.

Jesus already saved me, why should I have to pay a price?

I'll read my self-help books, read my bible, and I'll pray,

but I won't tell you about my savior, the one, the truth the Way.

Wouldn't want to offend you,

since you are comfortably lost.

No, I'll let you wonder, and then pay the greatest cost.

My mind is so cluttered

with girls, my job, and school,

so why, oh hurting world,

would I take time to think of you?



Content as a white washed tomb,
with beauty on the outside,
and dead and dark within,
Dear Jesus, please save me!
I don't want to live in this sin.
Give me a heart for the hurting,
A passion for the lost.
Let me surrender my whole self,
whatever be the cost.
Let my life be an open book,
Oh author of my soul.
I want to let others read Your story,
wherever you send, I'll go.

my hearts longing cry

I've heard it said that everyone changes,
then why do i stay the same,
I want you to mold me,
but i feel like a dried up clump of playdough
my brain is scattered and scared
i cling to familiarity, and long to be new
change me from this oxiMorron
mold me beautiful, make me a portraite of your face for the world to see,
dump me from this box, pull off the plastic
its time to breathe

Photograph

How I long to hold your hand,
I don't think you understand...,
worn out photo in my hand
of you and I together

We've been apart for so long,
my heart sings sad, soft songs,
I thought you were my other half,
but God made me whole.

I wonder how your days go by
do you laugh, do you cry?
Do you miss me like I miss you,
Do you think of me when you hear a tune
through the static on the radio?

Why do the right things seem to hurt the most?
The pain haunts me as a ghost.
But I'll make it, and I'll boast,
"I'm whole, he leads me."

He takes me back to the joys.
Your soft, and sweet giggle,
and your smile,
They were shared with me for a while.

Through this all He's taught me so much.
Perhaps I'll learn to love again,
This chapter is done, but the story has no end.
The author of life wrote on until forever.

I hope you know I love you still,
I'll never regret a moment we had,
Thinking of you I shouldn't be sad,
I look at the worn out photo in my hand and smile.

empty handed

I took your photos from my wall and from my shelves.
Your smiling face no longer rests in my wallet.
today i gave you back to the one you belong to. I told him, "You can have her God, she's yours"
even though i didn't want to.
I was afraid if i gave you back, you'd never be mine again.
you were never mine though i thought you were.
I told you, "you got my heart"
when it wasn't mine to give.
I miss you like you were mine,
and i wish you were, but i forsake my first love.
We forsake our first love.
I don't know where this will leave us.
Maybe God's brought you on to that next step.
Maybe you've found that hand that fits yours.
God gave me the memories, but I'll give you up.
I need some time with my first love.
I'll be praying for you, that God will send you Prince Charming
who will catch you when you fall, who will tell you your're beautiful,
and listen to your every word,
who will be willing to die for you and love you less than God,
but more than himself

don't be spam mail

1 Wow! how flippin awesome it is for those
who don’t take bad advise from jerks,
Or kill time by chilling with the wrong crowd, letting them do their thing,
Or join in roast fests with bullies.

2 Instead, obedience to God is what floats their boat. Constantly His word is jogging through their minds, day and night.

3They are like the energizer bunny, they just keep going and going, never failing. Their batteries don’t die. They go strong and prosper; all they do is prime.

4 This isn’t the case for the punks. They are like spam mail that gets deleted without a look.

5 They’ll get what’s coming to them on Judgment day. Their tickets are void in the stadium of the godly.

6 The Lord has got his eye on those who are obedient to him, but those who aren’t are playing Russian roulette with a loaded gun.

Confused and ok

Feelings are confusing

play with You like hot wheels cars on loops of hard plastic

I just can't tell when i am right side up anymore.

Sometimes my feelings scream so loud, i just wish they'd shut up

Its so hard to hear You over myself

Saying one thing and doing another

Like a green chameleon turned red

Is this the way its going to be?

Why do i betray You?

why do I kiss Your face so coldly

I'd give up the gray for black and white any day

I choose to starve myself

when You offer honey on my lips

I ignore my best friend

I've become blind, deaf and mute

rub the mud in my eyes

cast out these demons

let me hear Your voice,

I'll eat once again

I'm running, running to You

when i trip and fall on those shoelaces i forgot to tie up,

You catch me

You always love me just the same

You always catch me when i fall

Surrender

Its sure not easy but I'm ripping my heart out, to put yours in its place.
its tough work and the pain is real
muscles cling, veins rip, and I scream through it all
the blood flows down my hands
but you shed blood for me too
nails rip flesh, thorns gouge eyes
the pain is real
the pain is a real joy
the joy of hurting to please you gives me peace inside
I want this hurt, because I want your heart