"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give a reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect." 1 Peter 3:15

Saturday, November 13, 2004


Its sure not easy but I'm ripping my heart out, to put yours in its place.
its tough work and the pain is real
muscles cling, veins rip, and I scream through it all
the blood flows down my hands
but you shed blood for me too
nails rip flesh, thorns gouge eyes
the pain is real
the pain is a real joy
the joy of hurting to please you gives me peace inside
I want this hurt, because I want your heart

False is a painful word

I want to rip my mask off, but most of the time I don't even realize when it is there. My false identity is who I think I am. I put on the clothes of my false identity to please others, but soon I loose myself in them. I am not who I am by what I do, but rather I am who I am by who made me. I have been trying to ignore God a lot lately. I have tricked myself into believing that I am in charge, that I will control my one destiny and the direction of my life. I have tricked myself into believing that only I can bring myself true happiness. I know in my heart that this is a lie, that God must direct the course of my life, and that he and he alone can bring the joy and the happiness my heart desires. I know this, but I don't believe it. I have a war within, tearing up my very soul. I didn't know pain this strong could exist. Why do I cling to this pain so strongly. Why do I strive for life separate from God's will? I am like Paul struggling to give up my life.

14The law is good, then. The trouble is not with the law but with me, because I am sold into slavery, with sin as my master. 15I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. 16I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. 17But I can't help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things.18I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. 19When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. 20But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it.21It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22I love God's law with all my heart. 23But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin?[3] 25Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.-- Romans 7:14-25

Oh to lose myself to Christ. I want to die! I want this fake self to cease existence so that I can be real! Jesus, make me real, make me transparent, make me honest, make me humble, make me pure. Make me into your new creation. Break me. Ruin me. Chip away at me until I am your beautiful masterpiece you created me to be.

Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who despise their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. --John 12:25

Jesus, this is my prayer. I want to despise my fake self so that I can become real in you. I don't want to miss out on true life by living in the emptiness, angst and the frustration of clinging to a false self.

Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Humble road sign on the route to destination Beautiful

Humility, it is one of those things that most Christians admire, but few of us practice. God gave me a picture of Christian humility last night. As Christians, the focus of others should not be directed on us alone. We should be receiving very little focus. We are like a road sign. We are here to direct others to someone so much greater. The focus of others should not be on the sign alone, but should be excited anticipation directed towards the destination. The beautiful destination of Christ. What foolishness would it be if you drove down the highway and ended your journey because you became enthralled with the beauty of a shiny, green road sign. Yet as Christians, I feel that way to often that is exactly where we want people's attention to fall. The beginning of this year, I was so in love with the sound of my own voice that I would spend much of my time imparting my spiritual "wisdom" on others not so that they would grow in their faith, but so that I could impress them with words i vomited out and steal Gods glory. This would be what we call the opposite of humility. The ultimate act of humility is not just giving your time, not just lending an ear (often these things are done expecting an time and an ear in return), but giving all that you are to someone else. Putting yourself on the back burner, and focusing all of your attention on someone else. True humility puts others higher than yourself. Abraham did this when he let Lot choose land before him. David did this when he spared Sauls Life. Christ did this on the cross. We are called to live this humility as well. We must never forget that we are nobodies made into somebodies through the greatest body; the body of Christ and the great act of humility he demonstrated through dieing for us.

19Though I am free and belong to no man, I make myself a slave to everyone, to win as many as possible. 20To the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews. To those under the law I became like one under the law (though I myself am not under the law), so as to win those under the law. 21To those not having the law I became like one not having the law (though I am not free from God's law but am under Christ's law), so as to win those not having the law. 22To the weak I became weak, to win the weak. I have become all things to all men so that by all possible means I might save some. 23I do all this for the sake of the gospel, that I may share in its blessings-1 Corinthians 9:19-23