I want to rip my mask off, but most of the time I don't even realize when it is there. My false identity is who I think I am. I put on the clothes of my false identity to please others, but soon I loose myself in them. I am not who I am by what I do, but rather I am who I am by who made me. I have been trying to ignore God a lot lately. I have tricked myself into believing that I am in charge, that I will control my one destiny and the direction of my life. I have tricked myself into believing that only I can bring myself true happiness. I know in my heart that this is a lie, that God must direct the course of my life, and that he and he alone can bring the joy and the happiness my heart desires. I know this, but I don't believe it. I have a war within, tearing up my very soul. I didn't know pain this strong could exist. Why do I cling to this pain so strongly. Why do I strive for life separate from God's will? I am like Paul struggling to give up my life.
14The law is good, then. The trouble is not with the law but with me, because I am sold into slavery, with sin as my master. 15I don't understand myself at all, for I really want to do what is right, but I don't do it. Instead, I do the very thing I hate. 16I know perfectly well that what I am doing is wrong, and my bad conscience shows that I agree that the law is good. 17But I can't help myself, because it is sin inside me that makes me do these evil things.18I know I am rotten through and through so far as my old sinful nature is concerned. No matter which way I turn, I can't make myself do right. I want to, but I can't. 19When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. 20But if I am doing what I don't want to do, I am not really the one doing it; the sin within me is doing it.21It seems to be a fact of life that when I want to do what is right, I inevitably do what is wrong. 22I love God's law with all my heart. 23But there is another law at work within me that is at war with my mind. This law wins the fight and makes me a slave to the sin that is still within me. 24Oh, what a miserable person I am! Who will free me from this life that is dominated by sin? 25Thank God! The answer is in Jesus Christ our Lord. So you see how it is: In my mind I really want to obey God's law, but because of my sinful nature I am a slave to sin.-- Romans 7:14-25
Oh to lose myself to Christ. I want to die! I want this fake self to cease existence so that I can be real! Jesus, make me real, make me transparent, make me honest, make me humble, make me pure. Make me into your new creation. Break me. Ruin me. Chip away at me until I am your beautiful masterpiece you created me to be.
Those who love their life in this world will lose it. Those who despise their life in this world will keep it for eternal life. --John 12:25
Jesus, this is my prayer. I want to despise my fake self so that I can become real in you. I don't want to miss out on true life by living in the emptiness, angst and the frustration of clinging to a false self.