"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give a reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect." 1 Peter 3:15

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Reasons not to date

This following blog was written throughout the year of 2002. It is all my reasons for not dating. everyone who knows me well now is reading this with a big question mark/exclamation mark in their head because they know i now have a girl friend. Yes, yes, I know that you are thinking look at Tyler's horrible double standards. Maybe you are right, maybe I am not practicing my sermon very well here. Still though, that doesn't mean i think that everyone should hop into a dating relationship as soon as possible. I can say that i am pretty darn sure that i wouldn't be dating yet if I had never met Tina. the only reason we are dating is because it kinda just happened. We became really good friends and talked for about five months and the inevitable just sorta fell in our laps. I am in a relationship and i will tell you that there are draw backs to being in a relationship. its not all fireworks and fun. its work, its responsibility, and i think most of all, if you aren't careful, its a distraction. A distraction against all the great plans God has to use you. The reason I am putting this list on the net is because I have seen so many of mine and my sisters friends depressed over their singleness. I have written this to tell them to rejoice in it. enjoy it when it lasts. don't try to rush into things. you will spend the majority of your life married to somone special. right now you already have the greatest relationship you'll ever have, and thats with Jesus Christ. If you don't have a relationship with him yet, i suggest you make a date. Take Jesus out for supper one night, now theres a relationship that will last. ok, heres my list, read with an open mind.

"this little blip was added on December 27, 2003 (*remember that i wrote this in 2002). ok, well now i have a girlfriend. crazy crazy. i have a list of reasons not to date, yet i have a girlfriend whom i love very much. so, i thought it would make for some interesting writing to look at my relationship under the magnifying glass of my own reasons not to enter a relationship and see if my relationship is a healthy one that i should be in and that God would want for me.

1. dating is a very intimate thing. the two people become very, very close, and can even learn to love each other very deeply. a person has all this love and passion built up inside him/herself. now what do you do with that passion. naturally, to put it bluntly, a couple who deeply love each other will want to partake in Gods gift of sex. However this gift is created by God strictly for married couples. Why put yourself in a situation where you could fall deeply in love with somone and risk the temptation of sex. temptation is not a sin, falling into it or dwelling on the thought is. why start a relationship when you could put yourself in temptations way. even if you are positive you'd never allow yourself to have a sexual relationship before marriage, can you be positive you'd be able to block the fantasies of you and your gal/guy? i'm not sure i'd be able to wait until marriage, at least thought wise, so i will not date yet.

2. As a teenager, we are rather free. the only things we truly have to worry about are school, a part time job, homework, youth group,extracurriculars,....and maybe a few other things. now look at a married man. he has to worry about his wife, his kids, his, fulltime job, his home, his car, his taxes, his payments, and whatever anyone else in the family deals with. those are allot of responsibilities. being that we have few responsibilities as of now, when's a better time to grow spiritually with God. would not having a relationship add to your list of responsibilities? relationships devote allot of time and effort and love. sure you can grow spiritually while having a family and even a girl/boyfriend. but wouldn't it be better to devote fulltime to God until he gives you that special someone?

3. dating shows seem to be as popular as game shows or reality tv now. they are on all the time. a guy meets a girl at the beginning of the show, takes her out, kisses her, makes out, and maybe even sleeps with her. then at the end of the show they decide there really was no chemistry so they have a harsh dumping. its just plain pathetic. it seems the mindset of america is get what you want then dump em'. people will go out not even planning to make it last. i've had friends say to me " i think this one might last more than a month,....i really like her." how sick! We wonder why the divorce rates are going up. adults are taking their dating mindset with them. instead of "If it doesn't work, i'll just call the relationship off", they say, "if it doesn't work out in a couple of years, I'll file for divorce" i don't want this. i will not date.

4. I will not date until i'm positive that she's the one God wants for me. why start a relationship not planning for it to go to marriage.

5. i've seen the pain that a dating relationship-gone-bad can cause. bitterness, pain and anger. i don't want that, and i don't want to give anyone that.

6. in dating you give physically, and emotionally. with each date your on, with each person you date, you give a little bit of yourself. how much more special would it be on your wedding day to have never kissed anyone but your wife, and on your honeymoon never to have slept with anyone but your wife. the bible says "and the two will become on flesh",...how many people do you want to become one flesh with?

7. in 1 timothy 5 it says to think of young women as your sisters in christ. it would be very hard for me to think of the girl i was dating as my sister. now what exactly does sister mean in this context? purity. you would not have lustful thoughts of your sister, don't have them of anyone else.

8. i had another really good reason but i forgot it.

9.to many people go into a dating relationship thinking what they can get out of it. will dating this chick get me in with the guys? will dating the QB get me lead in the cheerleading squad? will she sleep with me. will he spoil me with gifts? relationships aren't about what you can get, they are about what you can give. ( this is what reason number eight was, i remembered, so there really isn't a reason number 8)

10. i am really good friends with this special girl. i like her allot. in fact i could probably ask her out on a date. but i will not do that because my friendship with her is something very special and i don't want to jeopardize it. its just plain not worth it. i'd rather get to know her really well as a friend and see where God takes it from there.

11. I'd rather watch cartoons and hang with shawn.

12. I don't believe in interacial marriage. Perhaps your definition is different than mine, however. Believers shouldn't mix with non believers. enough said. I know, i know,...it was corney, but its very true.

13. one thing about dating is that the relationship is founded on insecurity. since you can break up at any time, its really bad prep for marrige. it also teaches you to very often settle for a the person whos not best for you. both sides of the relationship know that somone better may come along."

Ok, well, thats my list. wow, i forgot about reason number 10, how embarassing...sigh... I may have written those ideas down two years ago but, i gotta say, i think that they all are still pretty stinkin good. so, if you aren't dating anyone, don't fret my friend. Your time with someone special will come soon enough, and in the meantime, enjoy your opportunity to change the world solo. God bless, and tune in next time when we talk about flatulence lighting!


Hands&Feet said...

Thank you so much for saying what needed to be said. Dating is a really important thing that many people abuse or screw up. Every aspect of our lives should be surrendered to The LORD, including how we interact with the opposite sex... ESPECIALLY how we interact with the opposite sex! There is a time, place, and purpose for everything and we really can't determine that on our own. Thank The LORD we're not left to our own devices of touture with out His perfect planning as an escape route! (even if His planning seems to be slow... IT IS PERFECT!)

M2M said...

Dude, I certainly respect your opinion but I don't know that life is as complicated as you've predicated it to be. Dating is the only way to gain the experience necessary to realize when you are with the person that you should marry. Otherwise you may naively fall for someone who's intentions are not as good as yours. Don't get me wrong there is pain in losing someone you care for but there is also pain in being alone. Dating should be fun. Dating should be about spending time with someone who enjoys some of the same things you do. Above all, dating should be a way to explore your own personality.
Divorce rates are up not because of dating but because those people never spent enough time looking inside of themselves to see what kind of partner they needed in marriage. Think about it. Which attorney would you rather hire? One that spent a great deal of time in study at the best Universities and Law Schools in the country and a few years as a clerk and Paralegal at a prestigious firm. Or the other that watched a few episodes of law & order but never set foot in a courtroom? Experience is not a bad thing my friend.
As far as sex is concerned: Sex is a very important aspect of marriage. I intended as a young adult to wait until I was married. Circumstances however changed that for me but in retrospect I am glad for it. I can't imagine having never slept with my wife to be or for that matter anyone else before getting married. Without physical chemistry and complete intimacy you cannot truly feel the complete scope of your connection as a couple.
If my wife were a sweet and kind person but when we slept together was distant or altogether bad than that would put a strain on the relationship ..like it or not that is reality.
At any rate I have said all that I have because you sound young ( I didn't check your profile) and I think you should step back a little bit and laugh at life a little more. Jim Morrison said not to take life too seriously because no one ever gets out alive. So at any rate don't worry so much about marriage now just worry about taking your girlfriend out and having a good time with her.
And just for the record, my understanding of Jesus is that you never were nor will you ever be a sinner. Jesus died for you and assumed all of your sins. If you think of yourself as a sinner or as a reformed sinner you may lose sight of the joy of just being a normal dude. It's not about who sinned or who's saved all that matters is who's a good person. Remember man Jesus is love ..peace

ty said...

handsandfeet, M2M, thank you so much for checking out my blog. I'm just stoked that people are reading this stuff that i have written wether they agree with it or not. I respect both of you so much for responding, it is very nice to get other peoples input. M2m, as for my views on premarital sex, let me just clarify. I am one horny dude, i have to admit. but as far as sex goes, i have decided not to go there before marriage because first of all, i hope there is a whole lot more to my life as a married man then just sex, and plus, if i haven't had sex with anyone else ever before i slip that ring on that womans finger, how would i be able to know what good or bad sex is? i'm just trusting that God will give us the true intimacy in every aspect of our relationship. As far as my views on Christ, i do believe that i was a sinner, and that i am not anymore thanks to Christ taking that with him on the cross. The bible says, "for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord" Romans 3:23. i completly agree that we should take in the joy of being "a normal dude" cause that is exactly what we are. my past sin isn't holding me back or keeping me from having a good life, in fact, its doing just the opposite. i experiance joy in an amazing way by knowing that though i desrerve Hell, Christ gave me eternal life, life that i have already begun in a relationship with him. Life rocks. I love it to the fullest, and it is my hope that others find the joy in Christ that i have found. keep on truckin dudes, and once again, thank you for your posts...God bless

M2M said...

Hey, you make a good point. If you want to wait then wait. That's your choice and hopefully you will end up with someone that is good for you in all aspects. I applaud you for your conviction.
My only problem with traditional Christianity is the thought that we, just by being born, deserve hell as you stated. I don't and can't agree with this. I believe people by nature are really good and are willing to do just about anything they can to help out their fellow man/woman. This point was well evident in the days and months following September 11.
I have never seen a bigger outpouring of love and respect for everyone as I saw during that time. Sure we have all gone back to life as normal but in a moments notice I know I could count on people everywhere to pitch in once again.
Disappointment and heartbreak are the gas that fuels sin. Not some guy with horns and a pitchfork. I don't believe that there is a devil or fallen angels constantly hovering over me all the time wishing me ill. If you think about it it's kind of a cop out.
It makes it so that whenever I make a mistake I can say that the Devil made me do it or that the fallen angels were tempting me. It doesn't allow for me to take any real accountability for my actions. The essence of being a good person is in knowing that just like everyone else you are capable of doing bad things and capable of hurting people but, you choose to do the right thing. Even when it is not self-satisfying.
Blaming the Devil for misdeeds allows "sinners" to forgive themselves without having to look within and find the real cause of their own mistakes and work on becoming a better person.
I believe that there is a God. There has to be; none of this is random. But, I don't believe that he has a white beard and that Jesus has brown hair and a beard ..The God that created existence is bigger than any concept that we as humans can understand. I hope at some point you see that whether you study God, Jehovah, Buddah, Shiva, or Muhammad the point is really all the same. If you step back far enough away from the World you realize just how small it is and how everything really is one.
Faith is a beautiful thing. I'm not knocking you for being a Christian in the traditional sense. I spent most of my life in the Church and had a great experience. But I realized one day as I got older that why do we claim to have all the answers? What makes us so great that God would make us his chosen people? What has elevated us so far above society that it is our responsibility to save them? These same people preaching these things battled alcoholism, divorce, adultery, addictions, and hate. Just as everyone else does. So at this point I realized there is a bigger purpose. We're all here as messengers of the great ideal ..life is but a moment in infinity; enjoy it.
And that's really it. Love as many people as you can. Live your life to the best of your ability. Say sorry when you're wrong and learn from your mistakes. If you can do all that then when it's all over you'll get yours.
Keep your mind open to everyone because they all have something to teach us!

Cristina said...

I think that I might be one of the few that actually agrees with you.I read the book 'I kissed dating goodbye' by Josh Harris and it totally changed the way I saw relationships.I think that if one is not ready to meet physical and emotional intimicy with commitment then one has no place in a relationship.There is a little golden rule about relationships that I learned in the book ,it is THE JOY OF INTIMICY IS THE REWARD OF COMMITMENT.That is why I have choosen not to date till I am ready to meet that commitment.Right now I am not and I don`t want to get into a relationship just for the heck of it,becuase then it will come out of selfish desire of satisfing myself.Singleness is viewed by people as a curse,but i take it as a gift from God.One day He WILL bring the right one,but till then I don`t want to get distracted,becuase one will.Ican go to missions trips and not worry about a boyfriend.I can be free to be used by God without any distractions.But definatly check out the book I think its just for you.