The human mind is a very interesting thing. I spent almost all day in the library reading, yet I really don't know what I read. I read the words, yet my mind was in another place at another time. Interesting how you can read one thing but be thinking of a topic not remotely related. But even when I could gain focus, this was interrupted by very frequent and unplanned cat naps. I think I probably get just about as much sleep done in the library as homework accomplished. No, probably more. I need advice, good solid advice. I tried sitting up as straight as possible, but eventually my head would droop, and my eyes would get heavy. I put snow in my boxers which kept me awake for a solid five minutes, but then it thawed and I dozed again. I had to spend half the day hiding a wet spot on my crotch. I tried taking frequent walks to get the blood moving, but the moment I sat down I was tired again. I sucked on mints, I sat with friends, I sat by myself, I sat in soft chairs, and hard chairs. I went outside. I read out loud, and silently. I tried everything. I couldn't stay awake. I think I have a disease. Maybe I'm allergic to homework.
I don't know what to write. In fact, the only reason I am blogging at all right now is to detox from a day of brutal homework in which I feel very little was accomplished. On those days when it is very easy to feel blah, when you can't see your value, when you can't see an end, and if you do see the light at the end of the tunnel, you are quite certain a train is barreling towards you; I take comfort that God's opinion of me isn't as fickle as mine. He is the only one who will love me no matter what. My five late assignments don't change his love, my cruddy bible studies don't, my lack of hygiene skills can't keep him away, my poor communication, my failure, my pride, my fears, my stubbornness....nothing in him changes. Its nice to have a constant. He's my father, and he is more than willing to hold the sticky, grimey hand of his little boy. I'm just going to continue clinging to his finger.