"But in your hearts set apart Christ as Lord. Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give a reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect." 1 Peter 3:15

Saturday, March 14, 2009

I don't belong here

Back when I was in high school I was voted Mr. Congeniality of my Sr. class. I felt honored to be given such a title (though I was really hoping for "luscious locks"...), but in one sense, I felt cursed--I could hang out with anybody, but never really felt as if I belonged anywhere. I was a drifter; my connections with my classmates for the most part were amiable, but not deep.

Providence has been my community for five years now, and it has become dear to my heart, so much so that I often grieve at the thought of leaving this place. I've hung out in my professors homes, had fish put in my slippers, performed in front of the friendliest crowds ever during Prov Coffee Houses, danced to "another one bites the dust" numerous times when friends hooked up, puked after wrestling matches, swam in ditches, raced sticks on the Rat River, hucked apples into the dark night sky, ate bugs, preached sermons, mourned the death of beautiful lives, and rejoiced in life found in the beautiful love of Christ's death. I have went deep with these people. This is where I belong.

But, really, it isn't.

College is a peculiar place and time in life, where one comes with the ultimate purpose of leaving. All my years here point me to the door. "Come forth to learn, go forth to teach."

I heard a sermon awhile back by Paul Matthies that reminded me that, as Christians, we are always to remember that this earthly world is not our home. we are not to set our roots to deep, because God will soon call us home with him. Like Israel and Judah before us, we are in exile.

It is the same thing here (albeit on a smaller scale); Prov is not my home. God has a purpose bigger then this place for me. I feel it. I am out growing this place I've called home for so long. Though, my friends here are some of the best I've ever made, our relationships are changing as they enter into long term relationships, marriages, ministries, and countries that pull them a bit further from me (and, appropriately so), tweaking, just a little, who we are to each other. I love them all so much, but once again, I have to say goodbye to a family.

It is a scary thing to know I have to leave; to drift once again with the fear of not really having a place to belong. The fear of being alone. God is teaching me a lot about trust right now. It has been encouraging to look back over the last several years, seeing that in all periods of transition, God had things worked out even before I arrived. I am finding peace in that, though little comfort. But I'm not supposed to be comfortable...I'm not home yet.


Sher McLeod said...

There is so much comfort in knowing that God has a handle on "transition," I have lived a lot my life in transition ... and though it was/is difficult at the time. Whenever I look back, I can see His handiwork in so many intricate details...its pretty beautiful, completely amazing. God is going to use you in undeniable ways. Your passion and your commitment will take you far.

Anonymous said...

fish put into your slippers!!! that's horrible!... just horrible... :)

maybe home is simply where you are loved, and can love in return. nothing more... nothing less.