!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tonight as I hung up my wet puddle jumping clothes in the sub lounge, I got a very exciting phone call. Em called to let me know that John and Lauren had their baby! Corbin Mark Kelly. A boy. i don't know how to express my excitement through words typed on a key board. I feel like an uncle. I can't wait to watch this child grow up; to walk along side John and Lauren, offering support and encouragement. I can't wait to hang out with this kid and play ninja turtles with him or shoot hoops with him. I can't wait to see John as a father. Wow, one of my best friends is a father! thats so crazy. I can't get my papers done on time or even keep my room clean, yet a friend my age has the responsibilty of a baby boy as of 5:00 March 30th 2006. I don't know if i could even successfully take care of a hamster. It will be fun to watch this little person grow up, and to watch his parents grow too. I'm so excited because I know that John and Luaren will be committed to bringing this little boy up in their faith, shairing it with him so that one day he can choose to make their faith his own. I can't wait to see this little guy! hopefully soon...

Its ironic that i got this news this evening. Earlier today I was imagining how amazing it would be to be a dad. I can't think of anything that could be more rewarding, terriing, exciting, and trying. to think that God gives us the opportunity to bring up a child just boggles me. their is no refresh button on a child. Its amazing the power a father has in the life of his son. A father can ruin his son simply through the words he says, or doesn't say. that scares me, yet excites me at the same time. If i become anything in life, i hope i become a good father. I used to want to be great, I used to want to leave this world with my name known, but now,I don't really care. I don't think I want my greatness to be measured in how many hits my name gets on Google some day when i've died. Instead, I want to leave this life knowing that I've made a difference in the lives of my kids, knowing that I had taught them the love of Christ, and to share his love with others. And if i don't have kids someday, well...at least I'm a fake uncle. woot.

at least i don't snore...

The human mind is a very interesting thing. I spent almost all day in the library reading, yet I really don't know what I read. I read the words, yet my mind was in another place at another time. Interesting how you can read one thing but be thinking of a topic not remotely related. But even when I could gain focus, this was interrupted by very frequent and unplanned cat naps. I think I probably get just about as much sleep done in the library as homework accomplished. No, probably more. I need advice, good solid advice. I tried sitting up as straight as possible, but eventually my head would droop, and my eyes would get heavy. I put snow in my boxers which kept me awake for a solid five minutes, but then it thawed and I dozed again. I had to spend half the day hiding a wet spot on my crotch. I tried taking frequent walks to get the blood moving, but the moment I sat down I was tired again. I sucked on mints, I sat with friends, I sat by myself, I sat in soft chairs, and hard chairs. I went outside. I read out loud, and silently. I tried everything. I couldn't stay awake. I think I have a disease. Maybe I'm allergic to homework.

I don't know what to write. In fact, the only reason I am blogging at all right now is to detox from a day of brutal homework in which I feel very little was accomplished. On those days when it is very easy to feel blah, when you can't see your value, when you can't see an end, and if you do see the light at the end of the tunnel, you are quite certain a train is barreling towards you; I take comfort that God's opinion of me isn't as fickle as mine. He is the only one who will love me no matter what. My five late assignments don't change his love, my cruddy bible studies don't, my lack of hygiene skills can't keep him away, my poor communication, my failure, my pride, my fears, my stubbornness....nothing in him changes. Its nice to have a constant. He's my father, and he is more than willing to hold the sticky, grimey hand of his little boy. I'm just going to continue clinging to his finger.

discontent

10I rejoice greatly in the Lord that at last you have renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you have been concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. 11I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. 12I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. 13I can do everything through him who gives me strength. --Philippians 4:10-12

I don't really like this passage a whole lot. this semester has not been good. I am not content. there is so much more that i want, so much that i miss, so much i want to take, yet I feel God saying, "No, I'm sorry Tyler, but I did not give this to you." I am so mad at God. Why can't I have what I want? I feel like I'm playing tug of war with God, and the rope is digging into my hands. Its hard to love God when reality collides with desire. my desires seem more real to me then anything, yet I know if I follow them and not God, I'll miss out on his best, and maybe pull a few others with me. I just don't know how to not follow my desires. Its like swimming up stream, like biking up the center line of a busy high way. I just can't accept that God is right and I am wrong. It is so hard to love God first. I'm not my first priority, why can't i learn that? How can I obey him, how can I offer this up to him in love? How was it that Paul learned to be content in all circumstances? I hope i can learn this...

I need a bath

my mind is everywhere yet nowhere at the same time. Its packed full, yet I can't concentrate on a thing. the words I want to say are nowhere to be found. I'm not content with the things I should be content with, and far to content with the things i shouldn't even tolerate. I've become a walking contradiction, a joke of myself. I get mad at God for the blessings he gives me, yet i am happy to walk my own path, even as i stumble into trees and pot holes. while choosing the path between faith and sight, I give Robert Frost a swift kick in the groin and say, "I'll take the road most traveled, thank you very much!" I call myself a shepherd, but i don't know how to love. I'm suppose to be a leader, but the blind can't lead the blind. Jesus is supposed to be my first love, but sometimes I think the TV even beats him out. They will know me by my fruit. what if my branches have been plucked clean? One moment I know exactly where God wants me, and the next I don't got a clue, or is it that i just don't want a clue. how can i hate who i am, yet love myself with a blatent selfishness. does this rusty bucket have a hole? it seems to me that the water is leaking and i am left parched.

Let your tide come in and sweep me off my feet. surround me with your water, fill my lungs. Flowing, pulling, pushing,tugging,ripping. Juggle me in your currents, sting my eyes. Drown me so I can live again. i need your water. oh, how i want your water.

snowballs are only as good as thier targets

Its perfect snowball weather and yet the one person I would most like to send an unexpected orb or icy glory at is gone. Oh, the agony in absence!...sigh


I went on a trip to Whiteshell with my roomie Jon, and my buddy Dom for some winter camping and snowshoeing. I love Whiteshell, its just about as beautiful in winter as it is in the summertime. so gorgeous. We were on the shore of a lake, surrounded by beautiful rock faces and snow covered trees. the weather was just about perfect. I learned a few things on this trip. walking backwards in snowshoes is not easy. Dom laughs contentedly in his sleep. Kippered harring is the best. the ratio of stupid quotes from my mouth goes up the more tired i am. deer in the Whiteshell are very tame.

Dom and Jon are great company. It was so much fun to hang out with those guys, talking about love, life, and french kissing. these are those moments to treasure and smile on, because they won't last forever. hope everyone else had a great break as well. I am procrastinating on homework. perhaps I'll have some photos to post later, but now a paper is calling me. why don't papers ever have pretty voices?

great big questions to ponder

lonely

how are you feeling?

soul question

what do I do,when I don't know what to do?
when I don't know which voice is mine, and which one is you?
when all that i treasured is over, and through?
I feel so broken and my mind is confused.
my will is tugging, but you're pulling too.
how much am I willing to hand over to you?
my tongue has no words, my mind has no thoughts
all that i know is you're all that I got...

Valentine's day

"You have the right to remain single,
Any saying of "I Do" can and will be held against you in the state of Holy Matrimony."

I love valentines day. I also love prayer days. That means that today is a hectabeautiful day. There is something so special about Valentines day. I can't put my finger on it quite, but I think its just the fact that people openly express how much others mean to them. I used to love when my dad would give my mom flowers and smooch her on Valentines, and I still do. I would say "yuck", but my heart would say, beautiful. I wish all youth would have the opportunity to see thier parents in love.

On Sunday, a little guy in my church gave me a bag of candy hearts, and as i poped one in my mouth i was plesantly suprised to discover that it was tangy and fruity rather then chalky and not fruity. that was a happy experience. my mom also gave me a huge box of chocolates and a card. moms are cool. I heart my mom. Men don't need romance when they have a mom (But romance is good to, of course). If anyone wants chocolate, come to my dorm room and say, "give me chocolate, dang it!" then I will do just that, except for the dang it part, I don't really know how.

I discovered today that this year's candy hearts have dirty comments on them, that do not express love in any way, shape or form. It kind of makes me sad. I am boycotting. no candy hearts for me this year.

We had prayer day at school. What a beautiful compliment to what Valentines day should be. It was nice to be with such a loving community, to be supported and encouraged, to share our struggles and our hopes. to love one another, and to offer our hearts up to the Lover of souls. I have been so dry lately, not feeling Him, not hearing him, and not knowing where to go, or even what to do. But today showed me his love through the beautiful people around me, and because of them, I saw his beautiful face. He wasn't just a stranger on the road to Emmaus, but he revealed himself to me, he broke bread with me, and showed me his love. Sometimes when things are unclear, when you don't know where life is going, when you don't feel God's love, and you struggle to love him yourself, sometimes the only thing we can find comfort in is that He always loves. So simple, yet so hard to accept.

I got a few fun valentines today. One was a lovely drawing of a lake scene with the sun shining and some boats sailing and it said, "you are like a summers day..." Frickin' Hot! then it said just kidding...so, even though i'm really not "frickin' hot", I still have funniest valentine i've ever seen, and atleast I'm not "somewhat humid", cause that could be strange. I also got another hand made one that was really cool, it had Isaiah 49: 15-16 which talks about Gods love for us, and how he has engraved us on the palms of his hands. the valentine had a pair of hands with my name written on them. What a friendly encouragement and reminder of His love. Yes, I am bragging about my valentines, and I am completely comfortable doing that.

Hey for all you love birds out there, here is a little valentine's tune for ya. Its called "If you're not the One" by Daniel Bedingfield. Its not letting me type the link so, you'll have to google it I guess. I tell you, that is one mushy, pretty song. Daniel Bedingfield is my guilty pleasure. I guess I'm a sappy romantic at heart. I have to redeem myself afterwards by listening to some Zao, burping in pubblic, and lifting heavy objects.

Hope you all had a splendid day. If cupid shot you with his arrow, yank it out and sell it on Ebay, you could make a bundle.

Mend our broken wings

The Church is Broken. Not only is it broken, it is shattered. I see so many hurting people. So much pain. I am discouraged. I had so much naivete going into my position at the church. I knew that there would be hurting people, but for some reason, I didn't want to accept the idea, the fact, that all people are hurting. I couldn't see the deep wells of pain that have found their homes in so many hearts of the people around me. It makes me feel so small and insignificant. I have nothing of my own to offer. I am not a doctor. Being a "nice guy" doesn't fix people. I can't heal others, I can't even heal my own brokenness and pain. I am learning the hugeness of love. love heals. The greatest thing I could ever do is to reflect Christ's perfect love. The love of Christ is so deep; a love that washes the feet of his betrayer, that tells the one who denied him to go and feed His sheep; what a beautiful love. It is a freeing, graceful and satisfying love. A love that empowers. It is the only bandage for the pain. Love is the foundation, the root, the essence, the all of Christianity. If I am not reflecting Christ's love then I am not truly loving, and with out love there is nothing. It is love that conquers all fear. It is love that gives life. We have the choice to accept it and to share it. My heart has been convicted. It has been empty for so long. I pray God will fill it with his love. Where is all this love? Are there no satellites to reflect the Son? It is time to embrace those that hurt, and show them the one who heals.

Change

change this pharisee heart to that of a child,

take away this heart of prostitution,

and I will be faithful.

break this shell and let your love spill out,

pouring on everyone I encounter,

I lift up this flag of surrender,

and see that it is in calling you Master that I am truly free.

What do I have if I don't have you Jesus? What in this life could mean any more? You are my rock, you're my salvation. You are the lifter of my head.--Starfield

my real name

I want to tuck my cloak in my belt and out run chariots,
I want to be a king dancing in the street,
to rip apart the jaws of a lion,
to tread in fire,
I want to wrestle the holy stranger; and to be given my real name.
let each scar tell a story,
and bring a smiling memory
of a battle won or a lesson learned.

love

Love, such a soft place to fall. Yet it can hurt so much. Its contradictions dance together making it all the more captivating; the things we don't understand are always what we desire most, what catch our eye, and hold our attention. Like a glowing stove to the wide eyes of a child, we long to touch the bright red. How can one thing cause so much pain and so much joy? Is there any wonder that love is so confusing when the Creator of the Universe and Love are one and the same? My lips struggle to hold in the words I would say, when they so desprately want out of this prison. If I were to let my heart run free, would it run into chains? My head feels like its trapped in a rubix cube with no answer. My body aches to fall in love with the Lord of Love so that I can truly love. Let me find you in the pain to experience the true joy.

Jedis are cool

I read a bit of 1st and 2nd Kings the other day. I really enjoy reading that stuff. It reminds me of Star Wars kind of. all sorts of exciting Wars and battles... I really like reading the stories about Elijah and Elisha, they are kind of like the bible's very own Jedis, only the stuff they did really happened and is way more cool then pulling an x-wing fighter out of the swamp in the Dagobah System with your mind. I think my favorite story is found in 2 Kings 6.

2 Kings 6
The Floating Ax Head

1One day the group of prophets came to Elisha and told him, "As you can see, this place where we meet with you is too small. 2Let's go down to the Jordan River, where there are plenty of logs. There we can build a new place for us to meet."
"All right," he told them, "go ahead."

3"Please come with us," someone suggested.

"I will," he said.

4When they arrived at the Jordan, they began cutting down trees. 5But as one of them was chopping, his ax head fell into the river. "Ah, my lord!" he cried. "It was a borrowed ax!"

6"Where did it fall?" the man of God asked. When he showed him the place, Elisha cut a stick and threw it into the water. Then the ax head rose to the surface and floated. 7"Grab it," Elisha said to him. And the man reached out and grabbed it.


I laughed when I first read this story. I can just see the guys face when the ax head fly's into the murky waters of the Jordan river.

"Oh Crap, Steve is going to kill me, that was his brand new ax head..."

Thats what would probably be going through my mind if it was me, well, unless the guys name wasn't Steve...

But then God does his miracle through his Servant Elisha, and you have a floating ax head.

I like this story because its kind of one of those "Dang, I lost my shoe. God, please help me find my shoe. Oh, there it is" kind of stories. It shows that God wants us to step up in trust, not only in the big things, the things that really need trust, but the little as well. It shows how God cares about even the littlest details of our lives. Plus, I think floating ax heads are darn funny.

Creating Excitement

I learned something new about myself today. I am an easily excited person. I came upon this discovery while smelling a jar of homemade cocoa powder that a family friend gave us, and going giddy at the amazing scent. It was pretty astonishing, mint flavored cocoa! Beautiful scent. My eyes bulged out and my sister laughed at me as I made her smell it. Downey wrinkle release spray is another one of those things that just amazes me. Pull a shirt or a pair of pants out of the hamper, give it the sniff test, spray it with the spray, smooth it out, and you have a wrinkle free piece of clothing completely suitable for wearing. And then there was the time that I learned you could fabreeze your hair instead of showering! Talk about excitement. So many of these amazing things I guess lots of people wouldn't deem worthy of my amazement, but there is one thing that lately, I've just found incredibly amazing, something truly worthy of amazement. That is the ability of people to create things of beauty. It blows me away. We, the created, long to mirror our creator. I believe their is a deep desire in each persons heart to make things of beauty; to reflect a beautiful God. I got a CD today, and it is beautiful art. The CD is Illinois, by Sufjan Stevens. The whole thing is brilliant, but a song that caught me off guard is the very last,titled, "Out of Egypt, into the Great Laugh of Mankind, and I shake the dirt from my sandals as I run." The song is an instrumental piece, yet it knocked the wind out of me. As I listened I tried to imagine the Israelites leaving Egypt. The song is filled with excitement and a happy fear (if that at all makes sense). You could hear the freedom in it, see the little kids running loops around their parents legs, as they made the trek into an unknown future. You could see the dust rising as the people marched on, boys running ahead of the group, gazing at the horizon. My heart began pounding harder and harder as I listened. I felt that fear in my chest, that feeling of an uncertain future, but at the same time I felt that feeling of excitement and hope. I felt all of this from a song, and a song without words no less! It kind of made me feel a bit ashamed. I haven't strived to create during this Christmas break, infact, really, I've done quite a bit of nothing, I have been so incredibly lazy. I have enjoyed my times of nothing when for so long I have been tied up in so much somethings, but really, doing nothing is so incredibly selfish. I really should have spent time with my youth group this Christmas break...I should have got stuff done, should have read more, created. Laziness is a cruel enemy, and yet, so enticing. I can only imagine what this world would be like if God was lazy. Mothers woud give birth to half babies, and God would finish creating them when he was good and ready. You would see Fields of daisy's with no buds, because God would be in the middle of a television show,...he'll get around to the flowers during the next commercial break. I am glad we don't serve a lazy God, but a God of beautiful art. I am also glad that there are those out their who seek to worship God with their art; beautiful creations pleasing to the King. So, go forth, create. Be excited with beauty.

family

here is a christmas family photo,...yeah, its from last year, but we were more attractive back then...

Scumtastic

We played some Scum with the Family. The scum had to wear the hats.