Photograph

How I long to hold your hand,
I don't think you understand...,
worn out photo in my hand
of you and I together

We've been apart for so long,
my heart sings sad, soft songs,
I thought you were my other half,
but God made me whole.

I wonder how your days go by
do you laugh, do you cry?
Do you miss me like I miss you,
Do you think of me when you hear a tune
through the static on the radio?

Why do the right things seem to hurt the most?
The pain haunts me as a ghost.
But I'll make it, and I'll boast,
"I'm whole, he leads me."

He takes me back to the joys.
Your soft, and sweet giggle,
and your smile,
They were shared with me for a while.

Through this all He's taught me so much.
Perhaps I'll learn to love again,
This chapter is done, but the story has no end.
The author of life wrote on until forever.

I hope you know I love you still,
I'll never regret a moment we had,
Thinking of you I shouldn't be sad,
I look at the worn out photo in my hand and smile.

I have an artastic blog for you to see

Hey, for those of you who read my blog, go check out my other blog entitled "Artastic". I decided that I'd post my art stuff there so that I can fill this blog with the things God is teaching me, or pictures of family and friends. I may put an occasional drawing in here, but most will be at Artastic. The address is www.tys-art.blogspot.com, or you can be smart, ignore what I just typed, visit my profile and access it from their. Wow, I am tired. I should sleep. First I am going to go read, because I am stupid that way. ah, good books, Narnia is very nice this time of year...

My little friend

This is a drawing of one of my moms day care kids. I like the drawing, but i'm more proud of the photo, because i am a horrible photogragher, but it actually turned out good. He's a cute kid, he enjoys beating me up.

Luke 18:16
16But Jesus called the children to him and said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these.




 

This is my favorite piece of abstract expressionism. I call it "Angst against a painting" Its one of my favorite pieces of art, probably because i don't do stuff like it very often. ok, thats enough art for one day. I'll probably dip into my store house and pull out more of my stuff later. 

James looks angry, but he isn't, he's just doing his hulk impression, incredable isn't it? 

This is my drawing of Worship. In order to worship God, we need to give all of ourselves over to him; we need to hand over our hearts, our very lives and say, "Do as you wish Lord." Worship and Trust are tied very closely together, you can't worship without trust, and you can't trust without worship. Surrender is what binds them together. 

i'm feeling very somthing right now

My emotions are goofy right now. I feel like a guy who just stepped in gurgling ucky brown stuff and ruined his new shoes, only to discover that its oil and realize that he's a millionare. Summer, finally feals like its here, and its a happy painful feeling. Today some of my friends left. It was hard to say goodbye, and there is still so many amazing people to say goodbye to, some of which i may not see until heaven. I love the comfort in that though, knowing that as a christian i never have to say goodbye. I am going to miss my family here at Prov. I have developed some amazing relationships. My brothers here mean the world to me, and the amazing young ladies here have taught me what it means to love them as my sisters in Christ. I couldn't have asked for a better experiance,God has been chipping away at me lots this year, forming me into somthing new. I got an email from pastor Mark this morning. It was just a friendly encouragement in preparation for whats to come this summer. it made me excited. I have that summer feeling deep within me now. its strange. Its the feeling like I'm leaving Bible camp and saying goodbye to everyone, but its mixed with the feeling you have when you hop off the bus, taking in a deep breath and the excitement of arriving at camp, not knowing what exactly comes next. I'm glad i don't know whats next, I am so excited. Maybe my stories will be able to compete with Andrew Krahns next year. Oh to swap stories with everyone of what God has done in all of our summers, I can't wait! I can't wait to go smudging with Danna...

empty handed

I took your photos from my wall and from my shelves.
Your smiling face no longer rests in my wallet.
today i gave you back to the one you belong to. I told him, "You can have her God, she's yours"
even though i didn't want to.
I was afraid if i gave you back, you'd never be mine again.
you were never mine though i thought you were.
I told you, "you got my heart"
when it wasn't mine to give.
I miss you like you were mine,
and i wish you were, but i forsake my first love.
We forsake our first love.
I don't know where this will leave us.
Maybe God's brought you on to that next step.
Maybe you've found that hand that fits yours.
God gave me the memories, but I'll give you up.
I need some time with my first love.
I'll be praying for you, that God will send you Prince Charming
who will catch you when you fall, who will tell you your're beautiful,
and listen to your every word,
who will be willing to die for you and love you less than God,
but more than himself

see the children

so i got the youth pastor job. I am pretty pumped about the whole thing slash scared, but scared in a good way...not a bad. yesterday i watched a documentary made by three college guys. Its called Invisible Children. If you ever get the chance, please watch this film. In my opinion, every middle-upper class American christian should have the responsibility of seeing this film. Wow, how ignorant i was. this film is about the children in Sudan and Uganda and how the civil war in Sudan is brutally affecting them. Children are being abducted and forced to work in the army. children 14 and under are forced to take guns and brainwashed to kill people. one child said that he would get headaches if he didn't see blood. It was so depressing and sad. war is all they know. many are orphans because AIDs has attacked the land as well. none, it seems, live with parents because they either run from home to avoid being abducted into the army or they are are taken by the army. many have no clothes, no food, no home. the movie showed drawings that the children did. every drawing had death, blood, severed limbs, sadness. this is all these children know. It ripped my heart out. the screen became blury as tears filled my eyes. I went on a walk after the movie. the sun was shining. houses and cars all around. christian friends taking breaks from studies to throw the football or play in the mud. I forget how greatly i am blessed. how selfish am I! I spend all the time thinking of myself when that is not my right. I hope that through being a youth pastor, I can trully demonstrate selflessness. I hope those images never leave my mind. Its my prayer that i become sensitized to the world and that i learn to give food to the hungry, clothes to the needy, drink to the thirsty, that i visit those in prison, and that i bring love to all

don't be spam mail

1 Wow! how flippin awesome it is for those
who don’t take bad advise from jerks,
Or kill time by chilling with the wrong crowd, letting them do their thing,
Or join in roast fests with bullies.

2 Instead, obedience to God is what floats their boat. Constantly His word is jogging through their minds, day and night.

3They are like the energizer bunny, they just keep going and going, never failing. Their batteries don’t die. They go strong and prosper; all they do is prime.

4 This isn’t the case for the punks. They are like spam mail that gets deleted without a look.

5 They’ll get what’s coming to them on Judgment day. Their tickets are void in the stadium of the godly.

6 The Lord has got his eye on those who are obedient to him, but those who aren’t are playing Russian roulette with a loaded gun.

Driving on dims

God taught me something last night as I talked to a friend. I never thought of myself as a worrier, in fact, I always thought I did a pretty good job of staying away from worrying. I have recently realized that I've been wrong. I am a worrier, but today I am at peace. A thing My friend and I talked about last night is how our human nature is all about the question "Why?" when it comes to listening to God, when God often only wants to give us the "What". For instance, I do believe that God has told me to take this position as a youth pastor, and the question in my head is a loud Why? God hasn't answered that question yet, and I really don't know if or when he will. He has revealed the What, and that's all I really need to know. Am I going to trust him? Am I going to accept this what and let him handle the why. I think we are all like people driving with only our parking lights on in the pitch black of night when it comes to listening to God. We can only see four feet in front of us and we are scared of crashing. Yet God sees the whole road and He's telling us where to go, telling us to simply trust and see where he leads. Let me assure you that the road has wild life scampering across, is covered in pot holes and even a couple road blocks, but God sees them all and just tells us to keep on driving and to listen to him. He enjoys his role as navigator. I am glad he is the navigator, I never was good with directions anyway.

Identify yourself

I had a revelation the other day. I realized that my "about me" in my profile was very negative. This is what it said:

I am a 19 year old Christian guy, and I am a failure. I am ok with that. I screw up all the time, but Jesus loves me anyway and chooses to use me...

Now I guess most of the stuff I wrote was pretty good stuff to say, but I introduced myself as a failure. That was wrong of me.

I did a Sunday school class at the church I was asked to be youth pastor at (and yes, I did say yes to the position) and the lesson I did was on False identity. We discussed the things we often Identify ourselves with such as the things we are good at, or not so good at, the way we look, the people we hang out with, what we have or don't have, and what other people say about us. For example, we may identify ourselves as jocks, nerds, geeks, skaters, preps, goths,...You get the picture, because those are the things we do, and who we hang out with. We may think of ourselves as ugly or beautiful, funny or stupid, beaus that is what people call us. We may think of ourselves as rich or poor, or someone else as rich or poor, and because we are on different financial levels, we can't be friends. Now I got to give credit where credit is do, I found an article in Youth Worker Journal that helped me out tons. I examined the story of the Temptation of Christ as an attack on Jesus' Identity. The more I looked at the passage, I would have to agree. The first temptation Jesus faced was turning stone to bread. My New testament Prof once pointed out how much turning stone into bread could be a huge bonus for the messiah. He could approach starving people, desperate for food, pick up a couple of stones and feed them bread compliments from God. Just think of the following. He would be accepted by these people instantly. But Jesus didn't want to be acknowledged as Messiah for what he could do. He didn't want people to follow him so they could have full stomachs.

Second, Jesus was tempted to throw himself off of the highest point of the temple. After all, Satan said, if he truly was whom he claimed to be, the angels would catch him before he struck a toe to the ground. The temple was the place to be. This was where the Jewish people were at. If you casually glanced up and saw a man jumping off the temple, you probably wouldn't say..."gee, I hope he packed his parachute..." You would probably flip out and then flip out even more when he pulls his heavenly e-brake with the angels. That would prove he was the Messiah. News would spread like cream cheese on a bagel. But that's not what Jesus wanted to be identified for. He didn't have to prove anything.

Third, Satan offered Jesus all the nations of the world if he would just bow before him. This temptation is so huge because this is what the Jewish people were looking for; a king. If Jesus controlled all the nations of the world, he would be the leader, the Messiah, they desired. He would be able to conquer the Romans who were lording it over them. But this was not where Jesus found his Identity.

He did not find it in what he could do, turning a couple of stones into bread didn't do it for him. He did not find it in jumping off of a temple, he didn't really care what the people at the temple would say about him, that was quite obvious in his later ministry. He did not find it in what he could have. Being the earthly king of all the nations, ruling in power, and defeating the Romans wasn't his desire.

So what did Jesus find his Identity in? Simply who he knew was, who his Father said he was. He knew he was the Messiah, and that he didn't have to prove it. He didn't want people to follow him out of convenience, or popularity, or simply because they had to. He wanted people to follow him then, just as he does now, out of commitment.

So where do we find our identity? In Christ. If we have asked Christ into our lives we are Christians, and that is our Identity. We aren't sinners, we are saints. Our Identity has very little to do with us, but everything to do with Christ.

I did this lesson again a couple of times for some other youth groups. One day at lunch the kitchen staff put a bunch of really lame toys all over the tables. I love it when they do that, only I eat a lot slower on those days. Anyway, they had all these little plastic compasses laying on the table, and I thought to myself, how lame, they are all pointing in different directions. I decided to collect them because I was bored, so I got about thirty of them off of other tables. Later I discovered that they make a very good illustration for false identity. I handed them out to the youth in the group I was teaching and told them that the compass was thier false identity. Sure they looked like compasses, and a compass is supposed to point you in the right direction. But these compasses were crap. They didn't point in the right direction, they were misleading, they didn't even have magnets in them. Make Christ your compass, and he will always point straight.

my false compass was failure. This is why I had to change my "about me". I identified myself as a failure, but I'm not. I am a Christian, God's tool. It is a dangerous thing when a Christian thinks he or she is a failure. God has called me to a task. I am to be a youth pastor this summer, and I know that I am not ready for this. Luckily, Christ is, and my identity is in him.

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.--Romans 8:37

Confused and ok

Feelings are confusing

play with You like hot wheels cars on loops of hard plastic

I just can't tell when i am right side up anymore.

Sometimes my feelings scream so loud, i just wish they'd shut up

Its so hard to hear You over myself

Saying one thing and doing another

Like a green chameleon turned red

Is this the way its going to be?

Why do i betray You?

why do I kiss Your face so coldly

I'd give up the gray for black and white any day

I choose to starve myself

when You offer honey on my lips

I ignore my best friend

I've become blind, deaf and mute

rub the mud in my eyes

cast out these demons

let me hear Your voice,

I'll eat once again

I'm running, running to You

when i trip and fall on those shoelaces i forgot to tie up,

You catch me

You always love me just the same

You always catch me when i fall

I got the youth part down, i'm still working on the Pastor

This is a bit different from the majority of my blogs, I am posting a prayer request. Right before Christmas I got an e-mail from a Pastor friend back home asking me to do part time youth Ministry at his church, at least that is what I thought he was asking. I didn't really know what that meant, so I didn't think much about it and I decided I'd get back to him about it. Well time went by and I still hadn't said a thing to him, but finally we talked just recently and I discovered that he wants me to actually be the youth pastor of his church. I am absolutely scared spitless! I don't know what I should do, so I am praying hard,...Whatever that means. I don't know if this is a position I should take. Its a huge opportunity, but would I be cheating the youth out of someone more qualified and more suitable for the position if I took it? Is this where God wants me? Its my dream and it could come true a lot sooner than I originally intended. I don't know if I am capable of such a task. I still have three and a half years of youth ministry training ahead of me, maybe more. What happens when one of the youth breaks an arm while I'm in charge, or when a kid tells me of his or her suicidal thoughts and I don't know how to react, or when one of the youth gets pregnant, or when I get threatened by a parent, or I don't have the support I need. What happens when a kid becomes excited in bible study, when youth reach out to their community, when someone accepts Christ for the first time, when a parent thanks me for the influence I've been. I am still a youth myself. I want to be obedient to God no matter what the call, but I still don't know what that call is. Please pray. This is the biggest decision I have ever had to make.

... 

Go OperaKor! 

OperaKor; the band that isn't a band that your glad isn't a band

Operakor hasn't created anymore art for quite the while. for those of you who don't know, Operakor is my band. we aren't a real band, just a fake one. I guess you would call us, experimental improv acoustic heavy-metal screamo with the lightest hint of Opera. it consists of me, as lead vocalist and our two guitarists Jeremy, who sometimes does vocals as well, and Eric who sometimes bangs on a ice cream pale when we feel the need for some slammin percussion beats. we had a really awesome drummer, Nick, when we made our mockumentry back in 11th grade (hence the crazy cool dude with the hair in the photo), but thats before we moved to a more acoustic, less opera sound. One time we played in a parking lot and people threw a few nickles at us. Maybe they were aiming for our eyes. Another time we played in a elevator, only that was me and a couple other dudes. never mind, i lied, that wasn't operakor. It was still pretty funny though, we put our own money in the guitar case to make it look like people were giving us cash. it didn't work very well,...sigh, but one lady looked at us really weird and i luaghed a lung out. then they took me to the hospital and did a lung transplant so now i am ticking strong again. So yeah, this is what my friends and I do for fun when we aren't lighting things on fire or thrifting. For future fun, i hope to learn to dance like Napolean. that would be flippin awesome, and would make all my dreams come true.

Hugged by nail pierced hands

My goodness, I miss Tina so much some times. Its hard to believe that we've been apart for over 4 months, yet I still miss her so much. Some things in life are really hard to understand. I think its pretty clear that Tina and I had to break up in order to put Christ first, but the thing I don't understand is why does it have to hurt so bad? Why do I still struggle at putting Christ first. For far to long, I have been seeking my own ways of escaping my hurt, but they only bring me deeper into the pit of despair. Like the prodigal son, I realize that I must run back to my Father. This is what blows me away, as I run towards him, my feet pounding the dust, tired and weary, through the dirty and knotted hair that hangs draping over my eyes, I see him running towards me.

20"So he returned home to his father. And while he was still a long distance away, his father saw him coming. Filled with love and compassion, he ran to his son, embraced him, and kissed him. --Luke 15:20

Why would he run to me, I am supposed to be running to him, pleading for mercy. Instead he runs to me, and hugs me, his nail- scarred hands pulling me close. I don't understand how God could ever love me that much, but though I don't understand it, I am drawn to it. I want to serve my Lord. Though I so often fail, I will get up again, brush the dirt away and follow him.

Once Peter betrayed Jesus, his Lord, while he hung on the cross. Like Peter, We too have betrayed Christ. Though Jesus has already appeared to him and the other disciples twice, it was a morning that Peter was out fishing with some of the other disciples that Peter truly was changed by Christ. I don't know what it was that drew Peter out to fish that morning, A speaker at school thought maybe he was returning to his old career of being a fisherman once again. Perhaps he thought that since he had failed at being Christ's Fisher of Men, maybe he could at least reel in a few fish. Since he had betrayed Christ, three times no less, maybe he thought he wasn't good enough for Jesus' service anymore. I don't know, but this I do: Jesus thought differently. He stood on the beach of Galilee that morning and looked out on a boat in the distance filled with his exhausted disciples.

5He called out, "Friends, have you caught any fish?"
"No," they replied.
6Then he said, "Throw out your net on the right-hand side of the boat, and you'll get plenty of fish!" So they did, and they couldn't draw in the net because there were so many fish in it.
7Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, "It is the Lord!" When Simon Peter heard that it was the Lord, he put on his tunic (for he had stripped for work), jumped into the water, and swam ashore. 8The others stayed with the boat and pulled the loaded net to the shore, for they were only out about three hundred feet.[c] 9When they got there, they saw that a charcoal fire was burning and fish were frying over it, and there was bread.
10"Bring some of the fish you've just caught," Jesus said. 11So Simon Peter went aboard and dragged the net to the shore. There were 153 large fish, and yet the net hadn't torn.
12"Now come and have some breakfast!" Jesus said. And no one dared ask him if he really was the Lord because they were sure of it. 13Then Jesus served them the bread and the fish.--John 21:5-13

Then as they had ate there fill of bread and fish and sat around the fire enjoying the company of their friend and their Lord as they had not long ago, Jesus asked Peter a question...

15After breakfast Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon son of John, do you love me more than these?"
"Yes, Lord," Peter replied, "you know I love you."
"Then feed my lambs," Jesus told him.
16Jesus repeated the question: "Simon son of John, do you love me?"
"Yes, Lord," Peter said, "you know I love you."
"Then take care of my sheep," Jesus said.
17Once more he asked him, "Simon son of John, do you love me?"
Peter was grieved that Jesus asked the question a third time. He said, "Lord, you know everything. You know I love you."
Jesus said, "Then feed my sheep.--John 21:15-17

The reason that I give this passage is that Peter just like you and I, like the prodigal son, had blown it. He retreated back to his familiar and comfortable life of fishing, thinking that I am no longer good enough for Christ. But that is when Christ gave him his mission. "Feed my sheep." The truth is that no mater what we've done, what road we've traveled, what we've been through, Jesus wants us back. In times of hardship, its easy to run in the wrong direction. In Peter's tough spot, he denied Christ. My tough situation here is not being able to call the girl I love my own any longer, and like Peter, I have denied Christ with my lifestyle. I have pursued false comforts from the pain separate from his true comfort. I have ignored his voice and I have lived for myself. But like Peter, Christ is telling me, "feed my sheep" and like the Prodigal son, God is running to me with open arms.

Peter lived a pretty rough life from that point on. He suffered for the sake of Christ. The thing is, he rejoiced in his suffering, and never denied his lord again. Our lives will be rough as well, that's just the nature of living. We still must rejoice in the pain, stop worrying what the future has in store, and put our trust in the one who knows us better than we do. Run to him as he runs to you.

I'm not above trying to understand, I'm not above trying to take your hand, I'm not above, I'm not above....You know me better than I do, it's better if you lead the way!--Further Seems Forever (the best band ever)

Here is a photo of my family on Christmas day. The golf ball on my shirt is very happy.  

This is the other beautiful child I had the opportunity to meet this Christmas. She is another cousins little one. She posses showing us the other side of Christmas,...the comercial side, sitting in a mound of gifts. Don't worry, she is isn't present hungry or anything though, she actually seemed to be enjoying the boxes and paper more than the presents inside.